Shielding Kids When Divorcing a Narcissist: 9 Things to Try

Contact with a narcissist can be at once exhilarating and confusing, hurtful and seductive. At work, at home, on a date, in the bedroom, it can make you feel like you are losing your mind, yet without an understanding of why you feel that way.

When you’re divorcing, it can get exponentially worse.

Despite being wrongly blamed for causing intimacy problems, family troubles, and miserable financial woes, many people, particularly women (and some men, too) stay too long in a relationship with a narcissist, sacrificing their sanity, reputation, dignity and more. Many of these men and women go to great lengths to work on the relationship without realizing relationships with narcissists are not like relationships with other people. That they are not really relationships at all.

Here are nine tips to help you maintain sanity while you navigate the relationship or steer through a difficult separation or divorce, especially when children are involved.*

*Consult the help of a licensed therapist to help navigate the developmental issues when children or teens are involved. Consult an attorney or mediator, as well. Document concerns and present these concerns during a session. Explain to your child that sometimes during a separation or divorce it helps to make the process less complicated. Learn ways to talk to your child on an ongoing basis about what is going on in a way that is age appropriate to him or her.

1. Don’t accept the blame but take ownership of what belongs to you. Where direct or subtle, a narcissist always blames others for his problems. Don’t accept the blame - and don’t apologize when something is not your fault.
2. Notice cracks in the armor. The narcissist, though polished on the outside, lacks self-esteem and therefore lacks a very basic sense that he belongs anywhere - and is desperate to avoid this feeling. Self-esteem is very different than confidence. While confidence is gained through experience, self-esteem is far more basic, a sense of knowing who we are and our place in the world. Does this sound like someone you can reason with?
3. Trust yourself, not the narcissist (a.k.a. the parasite), and listen to your own concerns. Narcissists are parasites; they feed off a host (whomever that may be, depending on the moment). Ironically, they have the "host" believing that they, in fact, are feeding off of/using the narcissist. Narcissists often surround themselves with accomplished people, then little by little eat away at them. Not someone you can trust for intimacy.
4. Remind yourself that the narcissist suffers from a disorder. Narcissists suffer from what experts refer to as a personality disorder. Experts agree there are no drugs to cure personality disorders. Personality disorders are very hard to change, though, with professional help, people can improve and relationships can sometimes be mended.
5. Remember that the narcissist is not in love with himself. Many people believe that the narcissist is deeply in love with himself or herself. If the narcissist is in love with anything, it's the image of himself, an image he has crafted. Even the narcissist, on some level, knows this persona is only temporary, and this is what makes him more desperate. Try to remember this the next time the narcissist tries to blame you for making him look bad.
6. Teach children how to value themselves in an authentic way with authentic people. Help them understand that the parent’s issues need not define them. Do this with the help of a licensed therapist. Be aware if issues of emotional manipulation begin to surface and, better yet, look for symptoms before they become pronounced.
7. Do not use the children for your own emotional support. Do not use them as confidants. Seek the help of a therapist if you find that you are oversharing with your children or if you find yourself saying things like: “But they are mature beyond their years.” Children are children; teens are teens—they are not supposed to be the parent’s therapist, and that goes for either parent.
8. When you are feeling anxious or angry, work through those natural feelings with an appropriate and trusted person or persons—therapist, friends, sibling. If a child says that you look sad or asks why you are angry, collect yourself and explain in as neutral a tone as possible in the most appropriate way, what is going on.
9. If a disagreement stems from something having to do with the child and the child knows it, stay calm and explain. That is, explain that while the issue may have arisen because of [school, sports, visitation, etc] that it is between the two parents and not his or her fault. You might invite a discussion with your child about what that feels like for him or her, and ways to help them navigate the discomfort.