The Link Between Anxious Attachment and Craving Relationships

Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and psychologist who focused his studies on child development. His research led to the development of the theory that attachment styles, or the way people relate to each other, are developed in early childhood and continue on throughout life.

While many people see this early attachment related only to the mother (or primary caregiver) and the child, it can also occur in different relationships later on in life. This includes childhood friendships and romantic relationships in young and older adults. Over time, if the same experiences occur again and again, the individual is reinforced in using a particular attachment type and seeks out relationships that mirror this pattern of behavior.

The Anxious Attachment Style

One of the four attachment styles, the anxious attachment style, is often linked to a parent that is inconsistent with the child. Sometimes the parent responds to the child if he or she cries or wants attention, while other times they ignore the child or neglect the child's needs.

This is also linked to emotional connections. Sometimes the primary caregiver, usually the mom, dotes over the child with love and affection. Other times the caregiver is cold, critical, and distant, often with no apparent reasoning behind the two extremes.

Children and adults with the anxious attachment style tend to:

• Experience high levels of emotional response
• Have difficulty in controlling impulses
• Feel the need for constant reassurance
• Have a fear of being abandoned
• Experience difficulty in trusting others
• Become highly sensitive to criticism or correction
• Demand constant attention from the partner
• Cling to and smother people in a relationship

Anxious Attachment and Love Addiction

The individual with anxious attachment disorder craves being in a relationship. They fear being left behind, yet they have difficulty in trusting the other person will stay. The result is they feel the need to constantly be with the partner while also feeling upset and betrayed if the partner wants time to his or herself in the relationship.

This attachment style is vulnerable to individuals who are narcissists and addicts who turn on the charm at the onset of the relationship, becoming just what the anxious attachment style desires. Then, once the relationship is established, they use the need to stay attached to keep the individual in the relationship while maintaining a more distant and cold emotional state.

As an anxious attachment style individual is often a love addict, having the insight to recognize the destructive pattern of relationships is key. To heal this attachment style and love addiction, it will be essential for the anxious attachment style to:

• Be open about recognizing the patterns — this is very difficult to do on your own. Working with a trained therapist or counselor can help you to see both the love addiction in a current relationship as well as the early relationships that created the attachment style.
• Practice trust exercises — it is possible to learn to trust. Finding a supportive, safe, and positive network of friends and family members can help in the process.
• Learn to love yourself — becoming comfortable as an individual is essential to break free from the need to be in a relationship to feel worthy, loved, and whole.

It is possible to change how we see ourselves and others. Moving from insecure to secure attachment styles is essential in recovering from love addiction and creating the life you want to live.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW and Author of Love Smacked: How to Stop the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency to Find Everlasting Love and Wake Up Recovery for Codependents.