Praising Kids Is Not Enough

The research literature is pretty clear that the most important factor that makes kids "resilient" - particularly kids who are "at-risk" - is a close, connected relationship with a stable adult. In my work as a therapist with troubled kids, I have seen this principle in action on many occasions, often less through my own relationships with kids, and more with kids' connections with the passionately engaged teachers and other adults working with them. These people work each day to connect with kids, and provide them guidance for navigating the challenges facing them, and giving them support along the way. I can't say enough about the value of such committed people in bolstering the odds of success for the "difficult" children sent by their school districts to the private therapeutic school where I work.

If I were to put my finger on something that many of these special education teachers, milieu counselors, reading and math tutors, and other staff have learned, it's that praising kids when they're doing well ("catching them being good"), is far from good enough. To use a term I learned from one of my supervisors during my own training, you have to go beyond praise - you have to "prize" them.

In the field in which I'm trained - psychotherapy - nothing predicts the outcome of services better than the quality of the relationship, the "therapeutic alliance." Researchers have documented this time and time again, and the relationship between therapists and clients far outweighs factors such as theory, specific change techniques, age, gender, etc. As recent neuroscience studies are showing, we are "wired" for relationships with one another, and that is why connection creates healing and the courage to try new things. Our brains evolved to seek out those who are good at reading us, anticipating our inner worlds, and helping us make sense of things.

But what does it mean to "prize" a child? Praise certainly doesn't hurt, particularly if it's given in a "real" or authentic manner. Kids (hopefully) get a lot of praise. "Good job, Sally - you did really well on that long division problem!" or "Awesome Sam, you are such a good helper in the kitchen!" This is all well and good, but particularly if we're talking about troubled kids, it might not be sufficient. "Prizing" takes things a step further. It boils down to consistent messages to the kid that you see something completely unique and special about them. You see it even if they don't (or at least won't acknowledge it), and you keep holding up a "mirror" to let them know that it's there. Maybe it's how curious they are. Perhaps you prize them for how much caring they have for others. Whatever it is, you never let them forget, from as many angles and avenues as possible, that you see this "thing" about them. That's prizing, and it seems to do something inside a child. It gives them a warm sense of possibility that might have gotten lost in the shuffle of their challenges and "deficits," or in the business of your own life.

Prizing is what a good adult "mentor" does. A great teacher does this as well. The best parenting comes out of this sort of attunement to the child. You don't have to be trained as a child therapist in order to learn how to prize. You just have to make it your consistent intention to do so. Here are some general pointers for making this happen:

• Spend some time reviewing your experiences with a particular child. What is the one thing that comes to mind that you value about them? Don't focus on what they "should" do or be, but instead, notice what is already there, even if it's faint. What is the "spark" that you could breathe life into?
• Anticipate upcoming interactions with this child. Ask yourself: How can I let the child know that I see this in him or her? Maybe it would be a direct comment where you let them know that you've "noticed something really cool" about them. Maybe it's a gesture where you thank them for showing this side of themselves.
• Prize with patience. Let the child know about the "thing" you see in them, but be patient if they don't respond readily. Particularly for kids with low self-esteem or mood-related issues, this positive input might feel discrepant with how they tend to view themselves. They might reject what you're doing or saying altogether. Don't give up! They may be used to people doing so, which only confirms the "script" they've been acting out. Show them with consistent prizing that a new script is possible for them.
• Let go of your own agendas; your own need for kudos. You're the adult and they're the kid. Find your thank you's and congratulations for being a great mentor elsewhere. In fact, it's better if you learn to trust that the message (if given enthusiastically and authentically) WILL resonate for the child even if they don't acknowledge it openly. This is not something THEY need to be polite about. When you're planting seeds, it doesn't make sense to get mad when it doesn't immediately bear you fruit.

Think beyond praise whenever possible. And by the way, this is not just for kids. Adults in your life wouldn't mind some prizing once in a while either.