A Macro Guide to Managing Big Emotions

By William Anixter, M.D., Carrie Hansen, LMFT, with Becky Shipkosky

Big emotions, or big feelings, refer to those that are difficult to contain and manage, feelings that seem to consume us. They can come on strong and scare us, and they may cause us to push others away when we express them in a manner that's raw and unfiltered. Conditions and traits that this type of emotional dysregulation may accompany include but are not limited to the following (American Psychiatric Association):

• Bipolar disorders I and II (BD).
• Cluster B personality disorders, including borderline personality disorder (BPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
• Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
• Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).
• Autism spectrum disorder (ASD).
• Major depressive disorder (MDD).
• Post-traumatic stress and complex post-traumatic stress disorders (PTSD and C-PTSD).
• Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD).
• Sensory processing sensitivity (SPS) (Bas et al., 2021).

While we are in an era of normalizing and proudly identifying with diagnoses, it's important to note that it's also possible to simply feel "big" without pathologizing it. And, while intense emotional expression can in fact be associated with a diagnosis or biological trait, it isn't baked in. Diagnosis or no diagnosis, we can care for ourselves in ways that help us stabilize how we experience and express our feelings.

What Do Big Feelings Look Like in Adults?

Most of us are clear on how big feelings manifest in, say, a 3-year-old. But how do you know if you are dealing with big emotions? And what might it feel like or look like for us adults to fail to regulate those emotions? The following are some examples:

Internal Indicators

What it may feel like inside:

• Intense feelings of sadness or despair.
• Feeling a tightness in the chest, difficulty breathing, or rapid heart rate.
• A churning or upset stomach, potentially causing nausea.
• An overpowering urge to scream or throw something.
• Inability to stop thinking about a specific event or conversation.
• Muscle tension, particularly in the jaw or fists.
• A sense of being overwhelmed or paralyzed by emotional intensity.
• Feeling disconnected or detached from one's surroundings or oneself.
• A sense of euphoria or being on a high when experiencing extreme happiness or elation.
• An uncontrollable urge to laugh or smile in inappropriate situations.

External Scenarios

What it might look like on the outside:

• Snapping at a coworker over a minor disagreement during a stressful workday.
• Yelling at another driver during a road rage incident.
• Crying uncontrollably at work when overwhelmed with personal issues.
• Withdrawing from social interactions and neglecting responsibilities due to a breakup.
• Avoiding necessary medical appointments due to an overwhelming fear of doctors.
• Overspending in a state of euphoria.
• Partying excessively to celebrate good news, leading to disruptive or dangerous behavior.
• Overwhelming a new romantic partner with constant messages and attention.
• Reacting to surprise news with an inappropriate loud laugh or joke at a solemn event.
• Leaving a busy work environment because it became too much to handle.

Note: Much of what is considered acceptable is cultural. The authors are based in the Southeastern United States and are writing from a North American perspective.

Long-Term Management of Big Emotions

To get a handle on how we express our feelings, we need to begin with some in-the-moment techniques like the ones described here by therapist Greg Bodin. Methods such as movement, grounding through breathwork, tuning into our senses, and emotional freedom technique (EFT), also known as "tapping," can effectively pull us back from the brink.

But no one wants to live their life narrowly avoiding emotional crises. So, what can we do to build resiliency once we have some emergency tools in the kit? How might we prevent some of the above scenarios from even crossing the horizon of possibility? These big-picture tools and techniques can help you develop an overall sense of emotional stability:

• Trust your feelings, but wait to act. Your feelings are real and valid, and by feeling them, you are doing something. Hold onto your outward action until the emotion is no longer all-consuming. Next, identify the truth of it and work from there.
• Accept your feelings. Big or little, practice accepting your emotions. Trying to expel or deny a feeling can cause more distress than sitting with it. Work on identifying thoughts and feelings without judging them.
• Stay attuned to your values. What actions are consistent with your goals and values, and what could hinder them? Create a mission or dream statement and check in with it monthly to help you remember what you're here to do.
• Inhabit the present moment. Get into the habit of grounding in whatever way works best for you throughout the day, every day. It's OK if you forget for a few days, or even months. You can resume anytime.
• Establish a mindfulness practice. Mindfulness practices such as meditation, yoga, prayer, Qigong, Tai Chi, or martial arts can do powerful work to help us maintain a peaceful emotional baseline.
• Know your boundaries and tend to them. So much anger can be traced back to boundaries being crossed. It's important to know our boundaries, communicate them to those around us, and enforce them when they're violated.
• Honor your limits. Don't let yourself get too tired or hungry. Leave the party when you've had enough of people. Don't dive into a new thing too fast if new things throw you off your center. Ask for support when you need it.

Emotion Regulation Essential Reads

Suppression Can Be Good for Your Mental Health

What to Do When You're on an Emotional Rollercoaster

Note: The above recommendations come from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), two modalities that offer profound benefits to individuals struggling with emotional regulation (Blackledge, Hayes, 2001) (Neacsiu et al., 2019).

These techniques are simple but not always easy. You might be changing lifelong or generations-long patterns as you come to understand and set your boundaries. Getting a mindfulness practice going could be in direct conflict with your self-image as a tough-it-out type. Or ADHD may make the present moment feel like literal torture. So, be kind to yourself, seek therapy or coaching as needed, and focus on what works for you.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.