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Key points
- "Hardballing" is a dating approach in which people are up-front early on about what they do—and don't—want.
- It's basically cutting to the chase, which may in turn cut down the chase.
- Hardballing can make a lot of sense if your endgame is finding a long-term partner and not wasting time.
"Hardballing" has long been used in business to mean using whatever tactics necessary to reach a goal. The term has now moved into the dating world, and you may have heard people using it to describe a dating approach whereby someone is very upfront very early on about what they want and don't want. More people are talking on social media about being a lot more direct on dates in order to save time and effort.
A classic example of hardballing is telling the other person, on a first date, "I want two kids and want to get started within two years. So, I'm not messing around here." That type of frankness may scare away the people who don't want kids or just want to mess around with you. It could also scare aware people who can't handle someone who is so upfront. It could end up being a time and effort saver. After all, a lot of dating is figuring out who the other person really is. Hardballing can be a bit like fast-forwarding towards the end of the dating movie, past all that opening sequence stuff where you have no idea who the main characters really are.
For similar reasons, you may prefer others hardballing you. It's basically cutting to the chase, which may in turn cut down the chase you have to either make or endure.
Getting hardballed can be easier to tell whether that person will like you and is a good match and vice-versa. After all, when someone tells you at an initial dinner date what they must have (e.g., living in luxury on a yacht and private jets) and you can't deliver that—you have a skateboard and not much other transportation—then maybe it's best to say, "Check please" and check out sooner than later.
Hardballing can be a refreshingly direct and transparent alternative to the smoke and mirrors so common in the world of dating, where many present images of themselves that may not match reality. Even when there's no intent to deceive, nerves and uncertainty can keep people from being who they truly are in person. Hardballing can quickly tear down the curtains and, in some cases, put people more at ease.
If your endgame in dating is finding a long-term partner, hardballing can make a whole lot of sense. Maybe you hate the games involved in dating or simply aren't very good at them. Your work and personal life could be way too busy for you to waste time dating the wrong people. Perhaps you are older and no longer have the same luxury of time that you did in your 20s. There are many reasons why saving time and effort in dating can be super important.
But there are some dangers , too. First of all, some people may throw you some real curve balls when they are supposedly hardballing you. Just because someone speaks in a frank and upfront manner doesn't mean that they aren't BSing, misleading, or flat-out lying to you.
Sometimes people claim to be the exact opposite of what they really are. For example, narcissists may call themselves empaths or act very empathic when they are trying to charm or love-bomb you. But once you actually need real empathy from them, you may start seeing the me-myself-and-I come through. Therefore, it will always be important to check whether actions match words over the longer term, regardless of how hard someone is hardballing you.
In fact, people can use hardballing to distract you from detecting their red-flag qualities. Trying a little too hard to hardball you can itself be a red flag. Don't let hardballing cloud your judgment and ability to pick up red flags.
If you yourself choose to hardball, be selective. Don't just rain all kinds of requirements and ultimatums on others like some kind of hailstorm. Stick to the things that really matter, like your values, key personality features, goals in life, and deal-breakers. If you hardball about too many different things, you could come across as rigid or even downright scary.
While you want to find someone who fits with you, you will have to compromise, too, for a relationship to work. In the words of that New Radicals song, you get what you give. So taking a hard stance on too many tings could make it hard to find a match.
And make sure you are honest when you hardball. Even if you don't intend to mislead, it's easy to feel compelled to tell others what they want to hear, especially if you have any inclination to people-pleasing. And if you don't even know yourself that well, you may play hardball for things that you don't even want.
Take responsibility for what you say. Know yourself. Tell people the full story. If, for example, you tend to be initially attracted to very independent people but always end up wanting to control your partner, then telling people that you want a take-charge person can be set up for a miserable relationship.
As is the case with every so-called dating trend, it's hard to know how, in actuality, people are hardballing. Or how long such a trend may last. Don't necessarily expect others to hardball, and don't expect others to expect you to hardball them. But don't be surprised if it does happen. Be prepared to give your honest answers. After all, the biggest score in the dating game would be to find the right person for you.
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