What to Do If You Feel Unheard and Unseen

Not feeling seen or heard can be very frustrating and be the reason why you leave jobs, workplaces, careers, friendships, and relationships.

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I once told a workplace leader, "I don't feel like you heard me." His response? He said, "I hear you, man," and then promptly left, which didn't give me any opportunity to respond. Umm, tell me that you didn't hear me without saying that you didn't hear me.

Not being heard or seen is a common problem in work and social situations as well as in life in general. From the time we belt out our very first cry after being born, we all have an inherent ongoing need for someone, whether it's our parents, doctors, nurses, friends, supervisors, coworkers, significant others, or social media followers, to pay some attention to us. After all, regardless of how independent you may be, your sense of self, identity, feeling of safety in the world, and thus happiness can be tied to how others around you perceive you—or don't.

That's a major reason why some people can't stop talking about themselves during meetings, parties, dates, or social media posts. Indeed, the loudest person in the room can often garner the most attention, regardless of what that person has to offer—sort of like playing the bagpipes in a library. With so many other people loudly telling everyone, "Look at me," you could go through life feeling quite unseen and unheard.

It can be even more likely if you've got characteristics that are not considered mainstream by those around you. Say you don't have the same sex or gender identification, racial or ethnic background, personality, or goals as those leading your organization, community, or social circle. The leaders and their acolytes may immediately discount you as someone who does not matter. That can make you feel there is nothing you can do about the situation. After all, it's hard to get people to hear or see something that they don't.

The same can apply to personal relationships. Maybe your friends, family, or significant others aren't taking the time to truly get to know you or listen to what you have to say. They can make you feel like a doorknob or a visitor from another planet.

So what to do? In an organization or social circle, it's the leader who tends to set the tone. A big part of being a good leader is making sure that everyone feels seen and heard. The leader should take the initiative to regularly tell each person, "I want to get to know you and hear what you have to say" and mean it. That leader can then repeat what he or she has heard back to each person to make sure that it's been heard correctly and then act positively on what's been conveyed.

In reality, how many leaders take the time or effort to do this? How many are instead too distracted by other things to make this a priority?

Therefore, if you feel unheard or unseen in an organization or social circle, start by talking to whoever is leading the whole shebang. Use specific, clear, and direct words such as, "I don't feel heard or seen." Being direct can help determine whether overlooking you was an honest oversight or not. If the leader does care about you, then he or she will immediately express concern and begin listening to what you have to say and work with you to rectify the situation.

It's easy for you to feel unheard and unseen when you are a bit different from others like of a different sex/gender, race/ethnicity, background, or personality.

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If on the other hand, the leader goes on to talk about him- or herself for another half-hour, claim that he or she does indeed hear and see you, or even blame you for not being heard or seen, then you have your answer. That leader has just confirmed what you suspected and perpetuated the problem. It's not up to the leader to determine whether you feel heard or seen. Plus, leaders may selectively choose whom and what they want to listen to and see.

Most of the above applies to more personal one-on-one situations, too, such as with a friend or significant other. The difference is that when you and the other person have essentially equal power, the onus of hearing and seeing each other is more shared. So, it's wise to start with more mutual language, such as, "I am feeling not seen or heard. Am I doing something wrong? What can we do to change this?" Again, if the other person truly cares about you, he or she will earnestly try to understand how you feel and work with you to rectify the situation.

If it doesn't seem that the other person, whether a leader, friend, significant other, or someone else, has a genuine interest in addressing your concerns, it may be time to exit stage right and find a better situation. Remember, you aren't a pile of dust that can be simply swept under the rug or a Roomba.

Going unheard and unseen for too long can have negative emotional, psychological, and even physical effects. Life is too short to dedicate any more time to people who do not care to truly see or hear you. Heck, such people may not even notice that you are moving on, because, after all, that's what happens when they can't even see or hear you in the first place.