How to Avoid Arguing With High-Conflict People

High-conflict people tend to be preoccupied with blaming others, have a lot of “all-or-nothing” thinking, often have unmanaged emotions, and may engage in extreme behavior that 90% of people would never do. Such people tend to have traits of Cluster B personality disorders, which include narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, and histrionic personality disorders. The diagnostic manual for mental disorders (DSM-5-TR) says people with Cluster B personalities are nearly 5% of adults and “often appear erratic, dramatic, and emotional.”¹ Studies have further shown that these disorders are associated with being domineering, vindictive, and intrusive.² Many people display such behavior with or without having a personality disorder, which often leads them into intense or prolonged conflicts with others. Thus, the term “high-conflict people” focuses on behavior rather than whether a person has a personality disorder or not. A few tips can help one avoid engaging in their frequent arguments.

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Your Self-Talk

When we’re around high-conflict behavior, and especially when it's directed at us, we can reduce its impact by how we interpret it. If you think to yourself: “How dare they treat me this way” or “I can’t let them get away with this,” then your emotions may become “hooked” and your logical thinking shuts down. You may become highly defensive, outraged, and overreact. Or instead, you may feel helpless, worn down, and self-critical, which can lead to underreacting.

However, you have control over what you tell yourself. In order not to absorb the high-conflict intensity, it often helps to tell yourself “It’s not about me! It’s about their lack of self-management skills.” Or: “No one deserves to be treated this way, even if they made a mistake.” Silently telling yourself these statements can help a lot.

You can also give yourself encouraging statements (also known as affirmations) on a regular basis. “I’m doing a good job.” “I don’t have to accept this criticism.” “I have friends. A lot of people like me.” “This is one of my sensitive spots that I’m overcoming. No big deal.” Some people put Post-it stickers on their bathroom mirrors to remind them of their encouraging statements.

Avoid Arguing With a High-Conflict Person

If someone has a repeated pattern of high-conflict behavior, it may be part of their personality. This means that they are very unlikely to take in any feedback from anyone else. While it is tempting to argue with their strange logic or inappropriate behavior, it is pointless. They will just fight you harder as they insist on their point of view as the only valid point of view. You are not going to change how they think, so don’t bother. High conflict people rarely reflect on their own behavior and you can’t make them. It’s part of their personality.

Feeling tempted to argue with a high-conflict person (HCP) is one way to recognize that you are emotionally hooked. This means that your defensive brain wants to protect you from the HCP’s behavior by getting them to stop or change. But your emotional reactions may engage the person in a further emotional exchange, rather than stopping it.

Setting Limits Matter-of-Factly

Instead of arguing, think about setting limits matter-of-factly. If the person cannot stop himself or herself, then you may wonder whether to respond. Most people are uncomfortable with the idea of stopping another person’s high-conflict behavior, out of fear that it will escalate. But if you keep this at a matter-of-fact level, it may be quite manageable. For example, a short statement may be sufficient to stop the behavior, such as “Give me a break!” Or: “Leave me alone. I've got work to do.” You don’t have to initiate a major confrontation. Of course, if you are in danger, don’t worry about what to say, just get away.

Often just setting limits doesn’t work with high-conflict people, so you need to think of a consequence if they violate your limit. “If you continue to talk to me this way, I’m going to have to end this conversation.” Or: "Talk to me when you're ready to be civil." Or: “Our company does not tolerate that kind of behavior. If it doesn’t stop, your job may be in jeopardy.” You can do this matter-of-factly by staying calm, rather than allowing yourself to get emotionally hooked. Your personal restraint may be contagious, such that the HCP also calms down instead of becoming more emotional.

Conclusion

This post suggests ways to avoid getting into an unnecessary argument with a high-conflict person. What you tell yourself can make all the difference. You can also set limits matter-of-factly with a brief comment that doesn’t turn into a major confrontation. Try to avoid arguing with the person, as it won’t make it better and often makes it worse. That’s a sign that you’re hooked. Remember that all of these situations can potentially hook your emotions, but that they don’t have to. You can practice ways to avoid getting hooked or becoming unhooked when you realize what’s happening. Be prepared. There appears to be an increasing amount of high-conflict behavior in the world these days, in families, communities, at work, and online. The more people who learn and practice these simple tips, the less stressed and more reasonable we will all be.

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A longer version of this post appears on the HighConflictInstitute.com website and the theme is further developed in my book Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them - How to Stop Them.