A Mess that Roars

My husband seems to mess up our house, especially when I mention having friends visit. I do a routine cleaning in the mornings and shampoo the carpets every couple of months. He seems to plant items around the house that he knows I will pick up (wet tissues), spill liquids on newly mopped floors, “find” dirty clothes after I have washed his laundry, and leave feces on the bathroom floor. I can’t relax if I have something to do around the house. Over the 32 years of our relationship, I have wondered whether this behavior is deliberate and what I should do about it. I am pretty exhausted.

I think you know the answer: Yes, it is very deliberate. Your husband does not know how to ask for what he needs—which, obviously, is you. He does everything in his power to chain you to the house. But it’s the power of an otherwise powerless child. Feces on the floor?

Yes, he’s made you a prisoner in your own home, but you’re as much jailer as detainee—you’ve been complicit. He’s getting what he needs, and you’re getting tired.

At least he’s getting what he needs on the surface. Some long-standing anxiety is likely driving his behavior. Too bad he has no idea how to put feelings into words. Perhaps he doesn’t know what his feelings are, or the feelings arose before he knew there were words for them. You may never know what’s below the surface. Still, you can change the situation. Stop picking up things.

That may not feel so easy for you. Yet your compulsion to clean is the lever your husband manipulates. If you stop doing it for a few days, he will notice and likely ask you what is going on. That’s the lever you can manipulate to shift your relationship. Find a way to keep busy outside the house for those few dirty days and be cheerful inside the house. Force yourself to ignore any mess. Sing. Read. Do anything legal.

When your husband asks what’s going on, recognize it as a key to your jail cell. Ask for a very kind conversation in which you essentially renegotiate the relationship—you’re announcing your resignation as full-time nursemaid.

Arrange a quiet time to talk. Let him know how exhausted you are. Tell him you want a loving relationship. It would be good to say that you need him to speak up and tell you in words what he wants from you. Give him a day or two to give you a list. You get the opportunity to tell him what you need from him—picking up after himself is a minimal adult requirement. Once you get the list, then you two can negotiate every household responsibility and a no-fly zone of guest-ready space.

You can tell him that you like your home and you like entertaining friends. With kindness, ask what it will take to make him comfortable doing so. Perhaps he remembers an unpleasant experience with a guest or believes that something bad happens when others visit. Perhaps he doesn’t feel safe if your attention strays. This might be the best conversation you’ve had in years.