Picking the Wrong Partner—Again and Again

I was raised by a narcissist mother, and as a result, I don’t find emotionally available, stable men attractive. I find them boring and smothering, and I break it off with them for superficial reasons (such as their liking the wrong type of music). I’m at a point where I’m tired of ending up heartbroken after dating self-centered jerks. How do I change whom I am attracted to? Or do I just stop dating and trying to find a relationship since I’m constantly attracted to the wrong type of guy?

You’re right, it’s tough being repeatedly heartbroken, but you also seem to know that’s not your only choice. Yes, you can change whom you are attracted to. It will take some effort, and it will feel a little strange at first. But you can’t expect magic to happen without having to work for it.

It is true that narcissistic mothers (and fathers) aren’t fun. Typically, they don’t provide much in the way of nurturing. Having received little love when young, their offspring tend to grow up believing they are unworthy of any at all, from anyone. Too, the children of narcissists are subject to the parent’s demands and are not free to develop or know or trust their own needs.

But guess what? Having a narcissist mother doesn’t doom anyone to bad mate choices, and there are any number of reasons people pick inappropriate partners. Growing up in a family lacking a good model of relationships can leave anyone befuddled about potential mate material.

I hope this does not come as a surprise, but whatever your parent’s failings, it’s your life now, and you are likely free to direct yours any way you want. Once you get to adulthood, it doesn’t matter what brand of bad parenting you got—you’re in charge of yourself.

Crossing the threshold of adulthood, all of us face the same task—to closely examine our parental inheritance and decide what to keep, what to cast off, and what to fix. It’s your job to make up for the deficiencies in your education and learn how to pick a healthy partner. But consider that accusing Mom serves a convenient purpose. It keeps you from having to change. Blaming your mother proclaims you a victim—righteous, perhaps, but also powerless. There’s probably plenty of room for complaint since you didn’t get what you needed. But blame doesn’t get you what you want: a partner for the long haul of life.

As you inventory what you got from your family and what you’re missing for the life you want, be sure not to mistake your mother’s failings for your own. You need not accept the de facto parental judgment that you have little inherent value. Consider that you may be breaking off relationships with emotionally healthy people so as not to face a real test of that possibility. And staying in relationships with jerks guarantees you never get a chance to figure out what your own needs are.

Once you start on the path of articulating your own self, then it’s time to think about adjusting the setting on your romantic antennae. You already know to tune out the people who are smitten with themselves—they leave no room for you, only for heartbreak. Just acknowledge that a wrong template of love was part of your inheritance and you’re taking over the task of creating one better suited to you.

You also need to allow more bandwidth to those who are emotionally sound. In the short shrift you’ve been giving them, you are granting them only their imperfections and judging them uninteresting based on trivialities. Stick around long enough to get beyond their playlist and hang in if you see signs of kindness and respect and a demonstration of interest in you and your life. This is where it’s especially likely to feel unfamiliar and weird at first—you’re more comfortable with the pattern of emotional unavailability you were raised with. But it will start to feel good—and you’ll like yourself better in the morning. Practice a little dating bravery.

And pace yourself. Make your emotional investments only after you get signals of someone’s interest in you. Ask questions and listen to the answers before making judgments about possible partners. Most people in the world have qualities that are not always on display for public adulation. They’re far more discreet about revealing themselves to others. When you allow yourself to understand that, you’ll no longer be at the mercy of the narcissists in the room—or the one who raised you.