From Conflict To Caring

My father takes the contrarian stance in every conversation. He does this, not in public or with my brother, but with my mom and, especially, with me, his daughter. On multiple occasions I have tried to tell him that being met with disagreement every time I express my point of view makes me feel like not talking because I do not want to have a debate with every encounter. Then he always responds that I am the one misinterpreting things, that I should always look at both sides of a situation, and that it is good to learn. I get really discouraged by these arguments because my father has stated that he wants a closer relationship with me, which I would like too, but I do not see much improvement with these constant circular conversations. How do I navigate interactions and a relationship with a constant contrarian?

Yes, your conversations with your father are disappointing, frustrating, and exhausting. But the ritual of disagreement you’ve established at least keeps you two connected.

Your dad doesn’t realize you need less antagonism and more affirmation to be the woman you want. He likely can’t see past his own discomfort. The evidence suggests your father is not a constant contrarian at all but a highly selective one. For a reason: Disagreement likely disguises discomfort—his.

Consider the possibility that your father does not really want to be so argumentative—but that he does so because he is uncomfortable with emotions. Perhaps he never learned a way to regulate or express positive feelings, especially for women. He may not know exactly where or how to draw the line between sexual feelings and feelings of affection and tenderness for his daughter. It is entirely possible that he has only one very undifferentiated setting for warm feelings. So you are locked into an interaction cycle that maintains a safe distance instead.

Being difficult relieves him of any need to muck around with love and such. His conversational style puts you off and keeps you at arm’s length. And he blames you for it—because, indeed, it may not reflect what he is feeling.

You don’t know why your dad is that way, and that may be a conversation for a time when this impasse is well behind you. But it sure fits the evidence better than your explanation.

It’s safe to believe that your dad does want a closer relationship with you. And it’s very obvious—probably even to him—that being argumentative isn’t working. You can assume that if he knew a better way, he’d deploy it.

Now that you know the real role of his contrariness, you’re going to have to be the one to move conversations to the right track. You have to lead the way to a relationship that’s more like the one you want, which means that you are going to have to be the emotional guide—without, of course, announcing that that’s what you’re doing.

Do look kindly on your dad’s dilemma. Don’t engage with his arguments. Be sympathetic to his deep intent and responsive to it. And have a clear vision of how you would like an interaction to go. Then move in that direction regardless what your father says.

The easiest way to change the dynamic, but possibly the riskiest—and perhaps also the most fun from a purely experimental perspective—would be to agree with your dad if he sets up a contrary position. “You know, come to think of it, there is something to what you say.” That certainly does shift the by-now-ritualized dynamic of disagreement that keeps you two safely (from his perspective) distanced. But that could leave your father off balance, and you don’t know how he will respond to the uncertainty.

Better to take a more directive path. When your father responds in a contrarian way, don’t take the bait, which is what he expects you to do and which saves him the trouble of figuring out how to relate to you. Instead, tap into the private understanding that, at least for a while, you have to be the architect of the conversations you want with him.

Then, take a deep breath and say—very calmly and very kindly—something like, “Dad, you know, that really isn’t the way I want to spend my time with you. I was hoping you’d instead tell me more about X, Y. and Z. Do you think you could?” Ending with a specific request is crucial.

That way you’re standing up for and expressing yourself—without criticizing your father. Yet you’re helping him out, giving him a script to start him off through the uncharted territory of a new conversational dynamic.