Secrets and Ties

My twin sister and I, now in our 50s, have had a strained relationship for many years. Recently we've attempted to reconnect, mostly because she cares for our father and wants my help, and I want to see my father without hassle. She tends to be overdramatic and overshares sibling woes and secrets. Yet she openly angers when I report my conversations or when she learns that her name has been mentioned. Today, she blew up when I said that I had reached out to another sibling whose health, my twin alleged, was rapidly failing. I'm confused. Why would there be a concern if there's no malice in her discussions with others? Did I do something wrong? Is there something going on here that I need to be concerned with?

Let's start with the last question; it's the important one. The answer, of course, is yes. And as you acknowledge, it's been going on a long time. In your family, secret information seems to be a prized currency, one that your twin needs a lot more of. It's hard to keep track of the information gaps that exist around your family. To cut right to the core, what family climate makes it entirely plausible that one sibling would not know that another was on the verge of death? (Whether or not that information was true is another matter.)

How was information doled out in the family you grew up in? Was everything so parsimoniously shared that information became a stand-in for love and a symbol of power? That's what is happening now. It would be a safe bet that you got more of it than your sister did. That would be a significant enough slight to prompt a person to amplify the scraps of info she got. And, fully cognizant of factual discrepancies, to continue protecting herself by demanding your silence.

A need to balance the information equation might especially apply to twins, as twinship implies a deep equality. Such childhood patterns don't evaporate in adulthood without deliberate action.

Despite past hurts, your sister seems to be offering an opportunity to you. Consider the possibility that her desire to help your father is real and noble, and that she does need your support in that, but it may also be a convenient cover for seeking a rapprochement with you. The twin bond runs deep, and sensing the generational shift ahead, your twin may be signaling that it's time for repair, to have an adult relationship.

Full disclosure: I am not neutral on the topic. I am a twin, and my (fraternal) twin sister died more than a decade ago. We weren't especially close as adults and lived in different parts of the country. But there was a bond that went deeper than words; it preceded words. This much I can assure you: A relationship with a twin isn't optional; with her or without her, you always have a relationship to your twin. Nature ordains it.

The shared history you have with your twin will only grow in importance. The issues that mattered so much when you were younger and individuating will fall into a gentler place. It's time to grow up and appreciate your differences, or maintain a relationship in spite of them. So your sister dramatizes; you can't find a way to laugh about it or accommodate it? It gives life such flavor! It may help if you recognize that information was likely weaponized in your family, used as a means to divide and control, and each of you adapted to that odd reality in your own necessary way.

Checking in with one sibling to gauge the veracity of another is tedious and destined to disappoint; it perpetuates mistrust and invites the very misbehavior you decry. But it's also a way of keeping a sibling in your life—a lousy way, but possibly the only way, given your family's dynamics.

You can't control or change anyone's behavior, only your own. But there's no telling what will change in response. Work out a plan with your twin for helping with your father. At least you'll both be equal parties to one story. And that's enough for a start. Shared experiences don't easily lend themselves to diverging stories.