Unconventional Wisdom: He's Perfect, But I've Lost Sexual Interest

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few years. We're perfect for each other in every way. But lately I've been feeling increasingly less sexual attraction to him because of his weight. He isn't anywhere close to being overweight—he eats healthy foods and works out often. But I'm a small girl, and he's big-boned with a bit of a tummy. When we started dating, we were intimate often and it was exciting. Now, I find myself avoiding sexual encounters because of the uncomfortable thought of seeing him unclothed. My refusals have begun to put a strain on our otherwise perfect relationship. Do I confess to him my embarrassing reason for no longer feeling sexually attracted? I know my feelings are most likely biologically and evolutionarily based, but I don't want to appear shallow or hurt his feelings. Do I grin and bear it?

You can grin and bear discomforts that are short-lived or affect you alone, like riding a hot subway or doing a hundred push-ups. Where others are involved, forbearance will sooner or later subvert the relationship. Better to face the issue now. Dahlink, your sexual stumbling block is hardly trivial. The only question is where the problem resides—with his belly or your guts. What's a little embarrassment to save the perfect pairing? Here are a few thoughts to consider:

1. Your description of your boyfriend's health regimen doesn't square with a belly bulge—unless he's drinking a lot of beer or you are highly judgmental about human bodies and have a fixed notion of perfection.

2. Intimacy does not automatically accompany sex. It's something two people have to create together. If you can't talk about tummies, or what turns you on (and off), how much intimacy do you really have? Maybe that's the issue; you may be at a critical point in the relationship where you have to decide whether to emotionally invest more deeply. Real intimacy can be scary; people feel emotionally naked. If you have reasons for avoiding being fully known or for avoiding closeness, a tummy—or anything—can suffice as a barrier.

3. Maybe the relationship isn't so perfect. Often, young women meet a guy, find him attractive, get into bed with him, discover they like the same music, then declare him perfect. Having a beau serves as proof of desirability and relief from the competitive mate market (which is truly "evolutionarily based"). But there comes a time when some things just can't be overlooked. Your refusals may be making that point for you.

A Cheating Wife

I have been married two years, and I suspect my wife is cheating on me with a man down the street with whom she once had an affair. I have tracked her movements and know she is not at the mall or with friends when she says she is. I have sent her panties for testing and found fresh semen that couldn't possibly have been mine. She gets phone calls on her cell phone from a blocked number. We saw a psychologist about our marriage, but I stopped because I could not stand hearing all the lies my wife was telling. She now insists that we start anew and forget the past. I can't start fresh without knowing whether she has been having an affair. The pain for me is deep.

So it's come to this—you're keeping a log of your wife's comings and goings and counting all the contradictions in her explanations of where she is and what she's doing. Before you begin to tackle your marriage, tackle yourself. Find something more constructive to do with your time. It will help ameliorate the pain—and make you interesting enough so that others want to be around you. Monitoring a spouse's activities is counterproductive: It will likely send any sane partner running in the opposite direction. And—this is a big one—you are overdue to give yourself a voice in the relationship.

Tracking your wife's activity without taking forward action is a model of masochism and not very appealing in a mate. Exactly what would you do if you found out for sure that your wife was having an affair? Do you want to wring a confession out of her to validate your suspicions? Would you divorce? Or would you wish to shoot for a new and improved relationship with your wife?

Any path forward, whether together or apart, has to start with a kind conversation with your wife—not a confrontation and not about her minute-by-minute whereabouts. And you can't run out of the room if you don't like what you hear; you have to speak up about what you don't like, and about what you do like. You have to enter into the discussion with the knowledge that, whether or not there's been an affair, you're badly alienated from each other, and then together decide on a course.

This is the conversation the therapist should have facilitated, but which you and your wife can have on your own. You need some ground rules—listening with respect, no overtalking, no shouting, no name-calling, no walking out. For openers, it would be wise to tell your wife what you have already told me—that you are feeling pain because your relationship seems to have disintegrated and she doesn't show interest in you anymore. Her reaction to your expression of pain will suggest a future path. If she displays no empathy for your distress, there may be little to build on. You are not looking for a confession, just some sign of concern for your feelings.

If there is, you can move on to discussion of what you both want in a relationship. You both have to lay on the table what it would take to make a satisfying life together—what you need from each other. You must speak up for yourself, something you have been unwilling to do, and that may be at the core of your wife's disaffection.

So you do need to start fresh—not by blotting out the past but by designing a relationship from the ground up.