Advice: He Keeps Helping His Ex

My boyfriend and I have known each other for three years and been dating for one year. He is still friends with his ex-girlfriend of two years. I have no problem with that, but he tells me when he's going to her house to do a favor for her, like fix her computer or pick up and deliver stuff he prints out for her. These situations make me uncomfortable and I have told him that. I feel she's taking advantage of him, expecting him to do things for her as if they were still together. He bends over backward to help her out, and it doesn't seem like she would do the same for him. Bringing it up over and over in conversation with him obviously isn't changing anything. Can I do anything to make this situation better? Should I change something, or should it be up to him to change anything, or am I just totally missing something?

Possibly, yes, no, yes. To start with the last question, what you are missing is the knowledge that you can't force someone else to change; all you can do is change your own behavior. Since bringing it up is futile, why not try not bringing it up at all? That doesn't mean your feelings have to change, but your strategy must. At some point your boyfriend is going to notice you've stopped nagging him about his ex.He may think you don't care about him anymore, or that you've learned to trust his word, or that you're about to slip his ex some poison. In any case, he's likely to ask what's going on. And that's your opening to engage him in a conversation that can help you find out why he continues seeing his ex so often and whether you need to worry—and about what. The situation exposes a potential weakness in your boyfriend—why does he feel compelled to help her at the expense of his needs and your feelings? But the focus of the conversation has to be on your feelings, on how his continuing visits to his ex make you feel—uncomfortable and unloved— and feel the contact as a threat to your relationship. You can also tell him that you feel uncomfortable for him, because it makes you wonder whether his kindness is being abused. Having said your piece, you must give him ample opportunity to talk. What you need to hear is some concern for your feelings. If he dismisses your feelings, consider it a sign that he's not up to being the partner you need. But your boyfriend is a grown-up. He is free to decide how he spends his time. Here's the good news: He does tell you when he is doing something for her. He may feel he has nothing to hide. And the sooner you stop trying to control his movements, the sooner he can give up his old pattern.