Advice: My Awful Marriage

My Awful Marriage

I'm in a horrid marriage and continue to find reasons why I cannot leave. My husband of 33 years is cold, grudge-bearing, emotionally abusive, angry, and a bully. He is also an alcoholic. (I have been in recovery for 13 years.) I knew all this and married him anyhow. I expect him to realize the error of his ways and pledge undying love and appreciation. At 57, I would leave with no health insurance and would need a full-time job; that frightens me. Our children are expecting the first grandchild, so I wait for that. Or do I wait for age 62 and Medicare? What is wrong with me?

There's nothing wrong with you. And as long as you think your husband's behavior is about you, you will try to wring from him the love you hope you deserve. No matter how painful, there is an overriding comfort in staying put—you know exactly what to do: Wait for the miracle that will transform Drinkingman into Lovingman. Even now, you expect a grandchild to transmute your marriage into the lovefest it's never been. Give up the idea that you're responsible for hubby's behavior and that there's something you can do to change him. Each of us is responsible for our own inner landscape. You know it—you forged your own recovery from alcoholism. When you stop seeing your husband's behavior as your failure, you won't feel compelled to stay stuck in this depressing pit. Then it's a matter of pure pragmatics. Check with a lawyer as to what you are entitled to if you divorce (his social security, a share in his pension, alimony, health insurance, etc.). You may discover holding a job is more life-affirming than living with a bully. It's scary out there. Employers aren't racing to hire 57-year-old women. Start building a resume and a support system of friends and potential business contacts. You want to be prepared for the day you decide moving forward is worth some uncertainty.

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