Advice: Fixing the Sex Drive

How Do I Fix My Sex Drive?

After celebrating six years together, my fiancé up and left for another woman. We were first loves, but he never appreciated me. He was verbally abusive. My mother was abused, so I know what it looks and sounds like.
I wanted it to end on my terms, and his dumping me tore out my heart. We had so many problems because I have no sex drive -- at age 25. He put so much emphasis on sex that it became a chore. Even when I did want it, I still said no just because he did. How do I fix my sex drive?

What makes you think that it didn't end on your terms? Your fiance got the message; you were speaking with your body. You rebelled against the relationship silently, by withholding sex. You probably stayed in it way too long because abuse feels so familiar. Good sex starts with a good emotional connection between two people. It's time to start searching for it. That's how you fix your sex drive. Look for someone who doesn't demean you and corrode your self-respect. Abusers seldom see themselves accurately. They are experts at shifting blame to their partners, so they usually feel justified in what they say or do. Still, it's hard to work up desire when you're full of resentment. We are taught that sexual desire has a life of its own, that it's just there. But that's not how it works. Sexual desire -- and satisfaction -- are most powerfully affected by the nature of your relationship. Yes, it always feels strange to move out of your comfort zone. But it's amazing how it frees you to find the better relationship you deserve.

Speeding Down the Highway of Love?

I'm 21 and in a six-month relationship with a man I love. Even though we've had nurturing experiences, I'm afraid I'm moving too fast. I lack so much because of growing up with dysfunction. I daydream about being married to him, and we talk about building our lives together and moving in. But I feel unprepared. I don't want to spoil it by taking such a big step too soon. Am I moving too fast?

Perhaps you are mistaking love for the Indy 500. Love isn't a race. Rushing the getting-to-know process, in fact, can derail the kind of discovery -- about yourself and your partner -- that ultimately helps stabilize relationships and keeps them on track. Especially since you haven't been around the block too many times, six months is too soon into a relationship to get a good feel for the road ahead. Perhaps the two of you could agree to defer talk of moving in together until you've logged more mileage -- say, passed the one-year mark. Finding other things to talk about in the meantime may clarify whether or not you want to drive off into the sunset together.

My Stepdaughters Are Mean to Me

My husband has two daughters close to my age. They live in another city near their mother. The younger one is particularly mean to me. She acts like the only guest room is hers, she has replaced my answering machine message with her own, replaced my pictures on the walls and run up our long-distance phone bill. My husband insists that he can spoil his kids. When I tell him that the meanness bothers me, he sticks up for them.

You're discovering the hard way that allegiances often get confused in stepfamilies. Indulgent Dad has no trouble remembering he's a father, but he's forgotten he's a husband, too.

He's given the kids way too much control over the household, and that's not good for anyone.

Still, think of the situation from the kids' perspective. They didn't ask for their parents to divorce or to create a new family. Also, it's probably confusing and disturbing that Dad married someone close to their age. That's the source of their petulance. Of course, that doesn't excuse mean or rude behavior.

Every household needs rules to live by. You and hubby desperately need to establish what's acceptable for your house. And he must be the enforcer to
his children; the nature of discipline is such that, especially at first, it's tolerable only from one's own kin. At the very least, rules should include respect for everyone and the house itself. Having clear rules should minimize his need to defend his daughters.

Yes, he can spoil them -- but why would he want to? By allowing behavior that is destructive to others he's undermining his kids' respect for him; children know when they can't trust a parent's authority or ability to keep order. That only distresses them more.

Imposing new standards will probably anger the kids, but neither parent should be deflected by that. Ride it out with kindness and firmness. Eventually everyone will be happier knowing what to anticipate. By the way, don't expect his kids to love you. But they must respect his choice of partner. Demonstrate that you are worthy of it.

When Friendship Is Refused

I've been through many stages of depression in the last three years. I'm 65 percent through the door, although at times I've come close to slipping back because I don't have the support I need. I'm in the military and away from home; many of my friends from home grew away from me. I've been challenging myself by reading poetry in front of people. In the end, though, it's frustrating when my offers of friendship are refused. Do you have any suggestions?

Rejection hurts. There's no way around it. And it paves the path to depression. But here's a bit of vital information everyone should know that could save much anguish. Studies of children -- this is just as applicable to adults -- show that rebuffs are as much a fact of life for the socially popular as for those less well-liked. The difference is how they deal with rejection. The popular kids don't place blame on others or on something lacking in themselves. They pick themselves up, dust themselves off and turn a negative response into a counterproposal: "Well then, let's get together tomorrow." People who know that rebuffs are expectable and that failure is remediable -- that it results from lack of effort or situational factors and not personal inadequacy -- are not debilitated by setbacks. They focus on maintaining contact with peers. They persist, but not intrusively, and they generate alternative suggestions. So with this bit of knowledge to both cushion your experience and encourage you on, keep at it. Just make sure that your bids for companionship and for joining others do not make undue demands; position yourself in relation to others' needs and in keeping with the flow of general activity, rather than changing the direction of activity or imposing something of interest only to you.

Is Asexuality Wrong?

The world seems to be obsessed with sex! People stress over who to have it with and whether or not to have it before marriage. What about whether or not to have it at all? I term myself asexual, but I've yet to see that choice on any survey or poll. Is asexuality a real orientation, or is there something wrong with me?

The world, at least our world, does seem obsessed with sex. Whole industries are devoted to making people think everyone else is having more, doing more, doing it better. It's a principle of Marketing 101 that anxiety about one's ultimate desirability as a mate is a great sales tool. You don't have to have a low sex drive to understand that the reality is not quite so florid. Human endowments, like sex drive, are generally distributed along the infamous bell-shaped curve; most people cluster in the middle. There are fewer people with high sex drive and similarly few who feel asexual. Culturally, we've acted as if everyone were at the high end. We're overdue for a correction and I sense it coming. Hang in there!