Managing Your Mood

My son is currently being treated for depression and seems to be responding well. However, I've come under attack from my family for not forcing him to be around my mother. I think she needs help for her own moods, but she flatly denies anything is wrong with her. She has spent her lifetime lying and manipulating so much that she doesn't realize she's doing it anymore. My son has caught her in so many lies he can't trust her, and neither can I. Is my only choice to ignore the rest of my family?

Having a mother who you feel lies and manipulates you is indeed distressing. Cutting a person out of your life may be realistic if the relationship is voluntary. But a mother puts the situation in a different category.

Not knowing how to handle someone "difficult" makes you feel victimized by that person. But victimization is a sure path to depression. Second, when you avoid a difficult person (or situation), you don't learn how to manage him or her skillfully, further reinforcing victimization. Avoidance carries the message, "The person is more powerful than I am and there's nothing I can do about it."

The rest of your family seems to have found a way to handle your mother without cutting themselves off that are they doing that allows them to tolerate her? How do their expectations of her differ from yours?

Also, consider the message to your son--that it's OK to exclude your mother from your life if you don't like how she does things? How will you feel when he applies that to you over disagreements that will inevitably occur?

Instead of cutting off a family member for failing to meet some standard you think they should live up to, you and your son can have a realistic relationship with your mother that doesn't rely on her for truth or honesty. She can be kept outside your sensitive personal place. Your relationship with her will be superficial, but it will be a relationship and your son will have a grandmother.

You can learn how to be with her in small, safe doses. You can establish clear boundaries, feel stronger for doing so and model effective coping for your son. That you don't know how doesn't mean it can't be done; a good family therapist can help. Check the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy at www.aamft.org for referrals in your area.

I have been on an antidepressant for a long time for a depression related to lots of loss, infidelity and a 27- year loveless marriage. I finally separated, but I have lost my family, my farm, our business, my career, and many things I loved and worked a long time to have. Because of angry outbursts, my depression and PTSD (I was diagnosed with both), my husband insists to my children and my family that I am crazy. But I'm not like this with any other people. My family acts like I should pull myself up by the boot straps as though nothing in my life has changed. I feel like some depression is actually normal in light of the losses I have suffered. But I feel like I'm in a no-win situation with my family.

You're right--some depression is inevitable considering the magnitude and number of losses. How people recover from loss is not by emotional numbing but by rebuilding. Without new goals and new contexts in which to invest your positive energy, it's too easy to stay focused on the losses and feelings of betrayal.

Clearly, one of the goals has to be redefining your relationship with your family. They have demonstrated how emotionally removed and even attacking they can be when you're down. You must drastically revise your expectations of them and the way you deal with them. No medication in any amount can help you do that. But a skilled family therapist can.

The no-win situation you think you're in stems from your investment in getting your husband to take responsibility for behavior he has clearly demonstrated he will not. It also stems from thinking you can get your family to be supportive, sympathetic and maybe even helpful. Maybe you can with a different approach, but maybe not. One of life's vital lessons is to know when to hold on to something and when to let go.

You may not be able to walk away from your family, but you can take steps to distance yourself emotionally and come to grips with the reality that they'd rather label you crazy than see themselves as part of the problem. As you move forward with your life and develop the self-awareness and strength to model integrity, your children and family might well come to appreciate where the problems really were. But don't hold your breath. They may well remain oblivious to their contribution to "your craziness," but it isn't in your best interests to show them the error of their ways. People have an uncanny ability to blame others for the things they do badly ("It's your fault I got so drunk and wrecked the car!").

There's an old zen story about the teacher who says to his student, "If you sit there, I will hit you with this stick. If you don't sit there, I will hit you with this stick." A no-win scenario? Not if the student reaches up and takes the stick away. My advice: grab the stick before you get hit again.