Advice Column

My 16-year-old daughter caught my wife and mehaving sex. She
is upset and says she's scarred for life. What should I do?

Dad

You might approach the situation by acknowledging that it could be
upsetting and you wish it hadn't happened. But you could also let her
know that she saw something positive and beautiful--the very act from
which she sprung. Tell her that you hope she can deal with it
maturely.

If she remains upset for a period of time--teens often believe
their reaction will be "for life"--it may be due to embarrassment. Let
her know that you and your wife are not uncomfortable or upset with
her.

Four years ago I began an extramarital affair. Earlier on, my
lover told me what I wanted to hear. Now, he wants no emotional ties.
Why do I still want him--because of what I'm missing at
home?

Confused

It's difficult for anything positive to flourish under these
conditions. For a relationship to work, you will need to put your
external and internal houses in order. You, your husband and your lover
have all contributed to this atmosphere. But only you can determine what
you want in your life and make it happen.

Your affair has likely contributed to the distance in your
marriage. Like you and your husband, your lover seems to be capable of
only partial, dishonest relationships at this time. From your
description, there is no reason to believe he has strong feelings for
you. Most likely, you are using each other.

My boyfriend thinks my large Japanese music-box collection is
childish and a waste. Is collecting bad? Or is he being
unreasonable?

Collector

One person's childish waste of time is another's meaningful hobby.
To find out if this is indeed a problem, ask yourself these questions: Is
this activity having destructive consequences? Is it distracting you from
important life tasks? Do you find yourself thinking about, or engaging
in, the activity more than you want? Do you need to engage in the
activity more and more to get the same feelings from it? Do you
experience emotional "withdrawal" when you don't do it? By engaging in
this, are you avoiding emotional pain or other challenges?

If you conclude that this is simply a hobby, then it becomes an
issue of working it out with your partner. It's best to let our partners
be who they are. Let's hope that yours can find joy in supporting your
interests.

Before our divorce, my ex-husband and I went to a
professional counselor. After two half-hour sessions, the counselor
recommended that we separate. Why would the counselor say that after
just one hour with us?

Baffled

It is unusual for a therapist to make such a strong statement so
quickly. If it would help ease your mind, you could investigate it--ask
the therapist why she or he came to that conclusion. Relationships expert
John Gottman, Ph.D., has done significant research in this area. He says
that, after watching and listening to a couple for just five minutes, he
can predict whether or not they will divorce.

He predicts divorce when he sees couples engaging in criticism and
showing contempt, defensiveness and avoidance. He also looks for one or
both partners becoming overwhelmed. However, with the right tools, he
sees even these couples as having success. Neither he nor I would be
likely to make such a statement except in extreme circumstances.

Mark Fromm, Ph.D., provides psychotherapy and personal coaching in
the San Francisco Bay area.