Mired in Misery

Of all the problems with low self-esteem, this may be the worst: people who have it create relationships that tend to perpetuate it. For them, the need for positive feedback takes a sad second to the need for a stable identity.

It's terrible but true, says William B. Swann, Jr., Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Texas. People with negating self-views prefer people—seek them out—who also evaluate them negatively. To the extent their spouses see them as they see themselves, no matter how poorly, the more committed they are to marriage.

Negative evaluations bolster their belief that "they are in touch with social reality, however harsh that reality may be." It allows them to predict—and thus control—the responses of others. Should they find themselves with spouses who appraise them favorably, they tend to withdraw from the relationship.

Swann's studies show that for those with positive self-views, there is no discrepancy between the need for positive feedback and the need for self-verification. But if a partner rates us negatively, our commitment to the relationship diminishes.

That's why those with negative self-concepts do so poorly in psychotherapy. Aside from their 50-minute sessions, these people are constantly among intimates who "nullify the encouraging words of the therapist," Swann reports in one of a flurry of journal articles. What's more, says Swann, some therapists frustrate people's desire for self-verification by engaging in "I'm OK, you're OK" dialogue. That only makes those with low self-esteem miserable by suggesting that they don't even know themselves. In those cases, both the marriage and the therapist can be real barriers to progress.

Among the most astonishing of Swann's findings is that people with negative self-views never recognize their partner's disenchantment. Obeying the rules of social decorum, their partners maintain "a facade of kind words"—but leak their disdain in such nonverbal cues as tone of voice.

So, to add injury to insult, those with negative self-views don't have the skills to recognize the kind of feedback that would let them know what they're doing wrong.