Father Knows Worst

Family Feelings

Feeling antsy? Having difficulty concentrating? Experiencing a vague feeling of discomfort, like the one you get in the doctor's office? Overreacting to small, inconsequential things?

You're not sick, nor just in love. You're a man, and what you've got are classic signs of emotional ineptitude. Every guy gets 'em. Growing up, you're taught to be unaware of your feelings---and everyone else's. Trouble is, you need them in today's family.

So now, when your own feelings get aroused in the course of family life--say, your kid bursts into tears after losing a Little League game and clearly needs comforting--you can't even decipher them. Instead, you experience them as a vague discomfort, a buzzing in your chest.

Not to worry, says Ronald F. Levant, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School and Cambridge (MA) Hospital. You're just the victim of "trained incompetence" when it comes to the warmer spectrum of emotions. And you can be taught.

The first thing Levant does with such emotionally dumb daddies is engage them in role play in which feelings are engendered. Then he plays back a tape and gets them to recognize the nonverbal cues of feelings--a grimace, for example-and asks them what feelings led to the grimace. Then he has them keep records of the buzzes that come on during real interactions with their kids, and the words or events that set them off.

Not developing emotional self-awareness can really cause friction--between fathers and kids. The buzz from unidentified feelings can become so uncomfortable that it leads men to troublesome patterns of reaction: Their minds may wander to daydreams or work; they may, like rubber bands, let unidentified feelings build and build until they snap in an explosion of anger; or they may become Tin Men, losing the ability to feel altogether-particularly difficult for kids. They might even confuse their kids by letting their feelings ooze out in body language while stonewalling the buzz with their words.

What to do? Understand that "there's nothing unmanly about being sad or tender or warm," says Levant. "These are the feelings that give life depth and richness."

PHOTO (BLACK & WHITE): Tin Men: How not to beat the buzz.