How to Find Your People When You’re New

Two people talking and laughing over coffee

Source: Brooke Cagle/Unsplash

We’ve all been the new person at one point or another—at work, in school, or in some other experience. And no matter how welcoming or friendly the environment is, being new comes with a particular set of challenges and stressors, not the least of which is how to find your people.

I will always remember the feeling, in my very first “real” job post-college, of being the only person in my age group for the first time. My colleagues and supervisors were kind and supportive, but I was surrounded by people who were 10, 20, even 30 years older than I was. I remember feeling incredibly lonely and out of sorts and like no one had prepared me for this moment of transition. School teaches you how to study and how to do work to meet expectations, but it does little to intentionally prepare you to make friends as an adult, which can be one of the biggest pain points for young professionals.

Lonely, and Getting Lonelier

A recent study conducted by Cigna found that we, as a country, are getting lonelier. Loneliness at work impacts not only individual health and well-being but also work productivity, including higher risk of turnover, more missed days at work, and lower quality of work produced. In 2019, loneliness increased by seven percentage points over the previous year to 61 percent, due to deficits in four critical areas: social support, meaningful social interactions, balance, and physical and mental health. Even if you pride yourself on your independence and self-sufficiency, it's worth noting: Being comfortable with alone time and being lonely are two very different things.

We all need connection and community. It’s what helps individuals work through the bad times and celebrate the good ones. It supports well-being, both physically and mentally. It provides a support system and a feeling of belonging. The health impacts of disconnection and loneliness are real. If you feel like you need the support of a trained professional, please seek that out. And, even though it can feel hard, know that there are active steps you can take to find your people. Below are some tips on how to do that work.

Steps to Build Intentional Community

• Reflect on what’s worked. This isn’t the first time you’ve had to make friends. If you’re new to a job, think about how you made connections in your previous roles or when you were at school. If you’re new to college, think about how you made friends in high school or previously. Chances are, whatever worked for you then will work for you now. Not only that, but anytime you are the new person is an opportunity to do things differently than you’ve done previously. Think about what you liked about your community and what you might want to change, now. The good news about being new is that it also means you get to make a fresh start.
• Practice saying yes. Practice getting out of your comfort zone and say yes to all the invitations you can (assuming it seems safe, of course). Say yes to those invitations to go for coffee, or to go for a walk, or to try a new restaurant. And, practice inviting other people to do things, as well. This isn’t middle school, after all; there’s nothing that says you must wait for others to invite you into their inner circle. This is a numbers game: The more you put yourself in community with others, the more chances you create to find one or two people with whom you truly connect.
• Don’t discount the value of difference. Especially in that first job after college, you probably will be surrounded by people who are considerably older than you and in different life stages. Instead of seeing that as a barrier to connection, look at it as an opportunity to learn. You don’t have to become lifelong friends with these people, though you might. You’re allowed to have connections across age groups, life experiences, and backgrounds. That’s how you broaden your perspective and find those mentors and wise counselors who are so critical to your long-term growth.
• Be a joiner. Much like with the practice of saying yes, make a commitment to join social and philanthropic groups, professional organizations, faith-based groups, or whatever speaks to your interests. You don’t have to do everything. But much like those sports teams and other extracurriculars you did in school, these types of structured “meet-ups with a purpose” put you in the room with other people with a shared commitment and interest. Remember, it’s a numbers game. The more you interact with other people, the more connected you will become.
• Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Just like this isn’t the first time you’ve been new somewhere, it also won’t be the last. Remember this feeling of discomfort. Take some notes about what you are feeling, what works and what doesn’t, so that you might benefit from your own wisdom the next time you’re in this situation. Anytime you start something new, remind yourself: You are going to be uncomfortable for at least three months. It’s going to take about three months to establish new routines, to find your place, and to start to find your people. It may not take that long, and hopefully it won’t. But if you walk into it with the expectation that it will, then you can shift your mindset and be ready for that discomfort.

Finally, make sure you have grace for yourself. Times of transition are messy, hard, emotional, and very personal. Seek out the support that you need and remind yourself: You are exactly where you are supposed to be.