Blurred Lines

We’ve all seen someone we know do something outrageous—something Unbeeeeeeeelievable. And we’ve all shared that experience with a friend, comparing notes on its unbelievability. We’ve all gossiped—and that is not necessarily a bad thing.

Gossiping, or sharing of social information, is key to the formation of social bonds. Merely selecting an event from the flow of life endows it with significance, attracting others who find it worthy of attention.

Having signaled to others that a particular event is, somehow, ‘remark-able’ to us, we position ourselves in relation to it. Through what we say (and through what is not said, but communicated through subtleties and innuendoes) we share our judgements and biases.

In trusting others with our opinions we, as gossipers, expose ourselves to their gaze, believing they will respect, if not affirm, our point of view.

Self-exposure challenges others to reveal their opinions and assessments of the situation, exposing their predilections and prejudices. These offers and counteroffers of trust and vulnerability cultivate, manage, and sustain relationships.

The flip side of the coin, of course, is that even as gossip creates alliances and fortifies group identity, it judges, excludes, and even vilifies particular differences and variations in the behavior of others (“Let me tell you about the unbelievable thing I heard today…..”)

And, as social animals hardwired to belong, we continue to experience rejection—the upshot of being gossiped about by others—as devastating.

The key questions, of course, are:

• Where, exactly, is the line between affirming shared values and cruelly excluding others?
• When do social stances that ratify one’s own values/position become rejection and bullying?

There are no answers to these questions, which is why addressing bullying is often a slippery slope. Context, intent and frequency are extremely significant in making determinations of ‘bullying,’ making it difficult to address behaviors in and of themselves.

What we can do—-and what seems to be glaringly absent from anti-bullying initiatives—is model responsible gossiping, laughter, competition, and even exclusion to our children.

• Pointedly discuss a behavior that is being touted in the e-news. If TMZ’s latest story involves people and incidents you’ve never heard of, look for something broader—how the Superbowl half-time was covered, how Trump responded to Pope Francis, etc. The social media hinges on critique and defamation. Discuss other ways the same point of view might have been conveyed, how a targeted individual should respond, what you would do if it were you in the spotlight, etc. Teachers and parents need to do a lot more of this, as a matter of course, with their charges.
• Agree that the behavior is unbelievable, but don’t let that be the last word. “If only she would….” or “If I were him I would…” are contributions to the discussion that will spin out, to the listening audience, the possibility of negotiating the negativity. We must continually remind our children that people need to be allowed to move beyond the damning incident, to grow and change. WE must work to keep that door open—precisely because of the indestructibility of much information in cyberspace.
• Don’t squash emotional responses. If your gut reaction is to feel badly for whomever is being dissected, go with that. In fact, try to insert your feelings into your responses (a little more “I don’t know if it’s really that bad…” or even the dreaded “how would you feel if…” from adults sows the seeds of empathy in children).
• Change the topic. The more we keep an incident in the forefront of our discussions, the bigger it becomes. Move on to some other topic—a band, the most recent episode of…, a recent purchase, etc.
• TRY to introduce ‘intention’ and 'social consequences' into your thinking. Gossip is social knowledge, so sharing that unbelievable story is not bullying—not even close. But a little awareness around why the incident is kept alive, or how the information is going to impact the relationships of s/he who is gossiped about goes a long way. We, as adults, are responsible for habituating our children to thinking in terms of social consequences. If we never include this aspect in our discussions, our children will never absorb this ‘next step,’ one that is crucial in keeping gossip from bleeding into social cruelties.
• Don’t carry someone else’s grudge. It is one thing to repeat an unbelievable story, to dissect it with your clique, to mull over responses, consequences, likely outcomes, etc. It is another to use that information unilaterally when determining and defining your future responses to the individual in question. Let gossip position your further observations, the point of departure from which you start forming your own opinions, not the coda.
• It is OK to not like what someone did, or even what they are wearing, and to talk about that. Lest we throw the baby out with the bathwater, we need to be clear that people act in ways we can’t imagine ourselves behaving, or do things that piss us off. It is ok to “gossip” about these experiences (and feelings around them), to “process” them—even, at times, to flat out avoid others. The line between gossiping and rejection/bullying involves future actions on the basis of that experience (especially as it relates to those who merely hear about the unbelievable occurrence). “Otherness” exists—cruelties on the basis of otherness need not.
• Be aware of connotations. How you phrase the information you pass on has a lot to do with what your audience hears. Be clear that gossip rarely conveys social information objectively. The word choices we make and the way we set up a story carries much meaning. Consciously sharing information yet omitting inflammatory word choices, or even questioning the ones you hear in another’s recounting (was she really slutty—or just drunk and flirting?) keeps social sharing responsible.

In thinking about bullying, in consulting with schools around interventions and action plans, I have increasingly come to the conclusion that we need a (kind, gentle) intervention for parents.

We need to be taught how to model the changes we want to see—it is not the sole responsibility of schools to send teachers to workshops, and bring proactive programming into their classrooms and cafeterias.