Should You Go to Your High School Reunion?

"Sure, I'd go to my high school reunion—if I could go as Carrie."

This quip often elicits a laugh, one that's usually followed by a high school horror story that legitimizes the sentiment behind it. (This is not to say that high school was all-around toxic for everyone, but to recognize how fragile many people felt during those years).

As invitations to high school reunions begin appearing in inboxes, uncomfortable emotions may bubble to the surface. Yet in 2022, the prospect of attending your reunion may feel different. Our shared COVID crisis is a new common denominator, one with the potential to offer (re)connection with new dynamics in play. More than a well-worn ice breaker, it offers the possibility of a genuine conversation. This possibility may give you pause before clicking "No, I will not attend."

As you hesitate before declining (knowing from Oprah and Ellen that you should be honest with yourself about any secret hopes you nurture), be wary of disguised aspirations. It is helpful to untangle the pros, cons, and potential triggers that may awaken old wounds (and perhaps renew your desire to attend as Carrie). Thus armed, you can attend as yourself, and maintain your equilibrium. These considerations can help.

1. Identify, before you go, what "having a good time" would look like. Getting up the nerve to chat with a former crush? Networking? Introducing your partner to your high school world? Or simply feeling secure (or adventurous) enough to attend just to sate your curiosity? How does s/he look all these years later, and who is doing (and wearing) what?
2. Be honest with yourself. While COVID could help level the playing field, it does not promise instant new beginnings. Most people attend their high school reunions, first and foremost, to reconnect with their former friends. Expect that old cliques will re-cohere; that the in-crowd will hang out together and catch up with each other. (Won't you be catching up with people you ate lunch with?) Having reconnected, some former classmates might peel off, mingle, and move beyond the old crowd. Might. Are you open to however this might play out?
3. Acknowledge that there will always be curiosity (perhaps even fantasies) about that certain someone. Not only gentle musings about the classmate who was popular and cute and "out of your league," but snarky imaginings about the stuck-up classmate whose eyes rolled while his or her friends looked on and laughed. Briefly smile over these daydreams before moving on.
4. Understand the nature of psychological safety. We usually assume that gatherings with adults will occur in a relatively 'safe space,' and may be thrown to discover that 'safe' can mean many things. For example, invisibility may be just as distressful and humiliating as over-visibility once was ('everyone' knew about your new acne and wrong clothing choices). This is because invisibility, no less than over-visibility, can deny dignity. It is a refusal of validation and can trigger feelings similar to the anxiety and insecurity that were common in high school. It is helpful to be aware of this possibility.
5. Remember: High school reunions are not in the business of redemption. A surefire way to recall (and reinforce) feelings of inadequacy is to surreptitiously anticipate some form of redemption. Even a more level playing field does not necessarily offer the opportunity for recognition or respect (frequent proxies for atonement). Furtive hopes may masquerade as a tacit expectation to be seen (and in this manner redeemed). Be aware of this secret aspiration.
6. With this in mind, look to connect with former classmates who were invisible to you throughout most of high school, and create a safe space with them.
7. Realize that we all live in different psychological spaces, even if we share the same physical space. Insisting that the two intersect is a pitfall to keep in mind.
8. Recognize that you may get caught up in an emotional flashback and find it challenging to connect with former peers—and the same may be true for them. Few people have no uncomfortable memories linked to high school. For many, the negative emotional experiences lodged themselves in our bodies, where they slumber until something (like a reunion) triggers them. Their "bubbling up" is what can access our inner Carrie. Remember that high school was, at that time, your whole world, and any negative experience rocked it. After the reunion, you will go home to a different world, a world in which these memories are only a part of your self-story. Keep this in mind. It will help keep any rising emotions in perspective. (And remember to breathe!)
9. Recognize that any pain you suffered in high school could have affected your still-developing brain in particular ways. Rewiring it will take time, support, and an ability to trust—things rarely provided by a welcoming smile (or even recognition) from a former classmate as they make their way to the bar.
10. Finally, be fully aware that attending your reunion may empower you. It could offer you the opportunity to affirm your inner growth and ongoing self-story. (And offering "forgiveness" to particular peers may not be in your story.) What is critical here is a clear realization that your former classmates will have their own scripts. However, you need not continue to accept positioning in their narratives.

If you are clear about disguised hopes and potential pitfalls before attending a reunion, it is likely your inner-Carrie will stay home (and you might have an OK time). Yet many of us have simply moved on from high school, and feel no need to revisit the awkward hallways of our youth. Be wary of entertaining covert insecurity around this choice, or second-guessing whether it is rooted in denial.

What is most important is that "shoulds," self-expectations, and self-judgments are not the determining factors in choosing whether or not to attend. What is at stake is your own self-respect—only you can determine what is best for you. Weigh the pros and cons, then own your choice.