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The festive season is stressful for pretty much all of us, but if you’ve come through a break-up of a long term relationship or marriage, it can send anxiety and upset through the roof, so I’ve invited divorce expert Pia Pasternack to write a guest column for my ‘Worry and Panic’ blog this month. Here she explores how to manage expectations of harmony and happy families, so you don’t get tangled in avoidable conflict or crippled by self-doubt. Over to you, Pia!
If you're thinking that as a separated person, you have the worst of it over holidays because it seems as though for everyone else it’s all chestnuts roasting on open fires, with smiles and cuddles for loved-up couples, let me start with a salutary reminder: the first Monday after the festivities is the biggest day of the year for divorce lawyers. So although the lavish ads on TV at this time of year suggest all is peaceful and jolly, it's clear that most people find the holidays stressful even in normal circumstances. The perfect Yuletide is a myth propagated by the very same people who flog diets and unwanted gifts come Boxing Day.
I recall my very well my first Christmas after separation. It was the end of November when I came home to find a note on the doormat from my husband, announcing out of the blue that he’d gone. Though shocked, I was certain he would be back before the big day. Not only was I convinced that we were made for each other; my husband was a Catholic and a family man, so there was no way he would be without his children over the biggest celebration of the year. Yet four weeks later he was sunning himself on one of those houses on stilts in the Maldives (while pretending to be on a business trip elsewhere entirely). Needless to say, things were pretty gloomy for me and our three children back in Britain, and I was a nervous wreck.
14 ways to boost mood and reduce stress
Approaching my fifth festive season, things are much better. Based on my own experience and research on the online support group Sarah and I run for those who are going through a divorce or separation, I offer the following tips to help boost mood at this difficult time:
- Ring the changes. Managing celebrations when your home life is not what it was can be hard, but not all differences need to be depressing, and this may be a good opportunity to start new traditions. When I was no longer catering to a vast crowd of in-laws, my immediate family was delighted to switch from turkey to goose for our festive meal.
- Look on the bright side. You may think there isn’t one, but there will be some compensations if you look for them. Not feeling that you are a skivvy while your ex and guests pass out in front of the telly? Not having to listen politely to your mother in law? Not having to have houseguests? Not having to travel, or spend the night in someone’s spare room? Even just being free of the stress of festivities when your relationship is strained.
Seek support. Often it's good to ask for something specific so friends and family know what to do.Source: Pexels, CC0 - Ask for help. If you have lost your soulmate, friends and family may well be happy to step up – tell them what you would find useful, whether it’s preparing some of the food for the holidays, helping with wrapping, or taking the children off for the afternoon so that you can get on. Especially if it’s early days and you are very distressed, you may not be able to plan or concentrate too well. Lean on friends and know that next year will be better and the year after better still.
- Don’t hit the bottle. Unfortunately this period of enhanced anxiety coincides with a greater acceptance - expectation even - of celebratory drinking of alcohol. Office parties, mulled wine at carol services, champagne for the New Year: you’re likely to be encouraged to partake. While it is tempting to think a drink will help calm your nerves, it is actually more likely to make symptoms of anxiety and depression worse. And if you overindulge or you could find you get too emotional or do something you later regret.
- Don’t expect too much. Give yourself and those around you a break. Maybe some of the previous holiday traditions will have to go by the wayside. If you created all the food from scratch, maybe this year buy more things ready prepared – Sainsbury’s mince pies may not be as good as yours but, honestly, they will do. Spend what money and energy you have on the things that really matter. The year my ex left I absolutely could not face staying up alone until my teenage children were asleep to put their stockings at the end of their beds. Instead, they went by the places I set for breakfast. Not ideal, but good enough.
- Focus on people less fortunate than you. There are many things that you can do to help, whether it is volunteering for a charity (serving at a soup kitchen, providing gifts for people who might otherwise receive none, giving lifts to and from hospital or church services), or inviting elderly neighbours to share a meal with you.
Company is healing, if it's not in the form of the relationship you once had.Source: Pexels, CC0 - Be with others. If you live alone, think about whether there is anyone you would like to spend time with, and ask! You may find there are many who are in a similar boat (maybe you never noticed in previous years) and you can get together. Perhaps you don’t want to intrude on family or friends: there are plenty of holidays where everything is laid on and you can celebrate with friends you haven’t met yet! If you can’t face any of those options, or can’t trust yourself not to spend the day in tears, it won’t hurt to hole up at home for a while. Get in your favourite foods and settle in for some movies or a good book. Try not to spend every day alone though: being with others – friends or strangers – can help to stop negative thoughts spiraling.
- It’s not a competition. Though it can be hard not to want to ‘win’ with children and others who are in touch with both of you, try not to think in terms of competing; don’t try to outdo each other or go overboard with presents to compensate. Comparing gifts, or photos on Facebook, or thinking about whether your ex is having a better time than you will only add to your anxiety.
If you're no longer your children's main carer, celebrate with them in the best ways you can.Source: Sarah Rayner, an illustration from 'Making Peace with Divorce' - Don’t overspend. Finances during divorce are often strained; remember that the best gifts you can give need not be costly. Time and attention can mean more than anything bought. Maybe you can bake biscuits, offer to babysit, or treat someone to a trip to the movies.
- Vent, if you have to, in a safe space. If you fear you are going to have a meltdown, or want to offload, you can always come to the Making Peace with Divorce Facebook group, where people who have been through similar will be there to offer support online.
Try to avoid getting children caught in the middle. Two separate celebrations are better than one fraught one.Source: Sarah Rayner - If you have children the pain of Christmas without the whole family can be acute. Fear of spoiling what should be a magical time for them combines with the heartache of being apart if they spend time with your ex. Some (rare) separated couples will be together over the holidays for the sake of the kids, but if this is not the case, set your children up to enjoy two Christmases. Christmas is for family, but even more, it is for children, so try to relieve the pressure they will feel to make you both happy. Give them the best festive season you can, and remember that celebrations can be staggered. Coordinate with your ex. Agree on timings and transport so everyone knows what is happening. If relations allow, you could also talk about gifts to avoid duplication.
- Occupy yourself. If your children will be spending time with your ex, see if you can organize something to do yourself, so you’re not sitting at home imagining them playing happy families without you. Visit friends, visit a gallery, tackle a job you’ve been putting off, anything likely to take your mind off things, and ideally, with others.
An illustration from 'Making Peace with Divorce'Source: Sarah Rayner, used with permission - Don’t badmouth your ex. As ever, try not to criticize your ex in front of your children. If the other parent is unreliable or disappointing, try to be kind to all concerned. Children will feel conflicted enough as it is.
- Lastly, no matter how you are spending the holidays now, or with whom, here’s an idea for being kind to yourself: Get yourself a present. After all, you probably won’t be buying something for your ex, nor receiving one from that quarter. So why not treat yourself? A special something – a replacement for your wedding ring? A day of pampering?
See if you can focus on what may be better, rather than dwelling on what you have lost, and with time, you’ll build new memories. If you can, try not to see it as a done deal: yes, Christmas when you’re no longer with your partner is going to be difficult, but that doesn’t mean it’s definitely going to be worse. You could find it’s a whole lot less distressing as you won’t be making one another miserable. However it turns out, Sarah and I wish you the very best, and a happy new year.
