A Simple Strategy and Forgiveness May Help Dissipate Anger

It appears that we are becoming an angry nation. We can see it just by watching the news. Because anger is an emotion, it is difficult for us to control. We feel what we feel. Although emotions themselves cannot be controlled, we can control our reaction to anger triggers. Even if we pride ourselves on being rational thinkers, we might be prone to snarky outbursts. But when slowly simmering anger turns to rage, it can become destructive.

Oftentimes when we are angry, we are able to speak our mind to the person who has offended us. But sometimes, it is the next person that comes along who becomes the recipient of our ire.

It is especially difficult to keep our anger in check when dealing with people trapped in a misinformation vortex, ranging from vaccines to politics. (Ecker, 2022)

Watch your words to be heard

When we are angry with someone, it is often because they have hurt us, disappointed us, or worse, betrayed us. Frequently the person with whom we are angry feels none of the internal conflict or turmoil that we feel. That person may not even know that we are angry. So you may need to make a decision. Either you can speak up and tell the other person, or you might play the game of shutting them out or ignoring them. However, since anger is dangerous to your health, it is wise to speak up. And if you want another person to hear you, rather than react to you, craft your words carefully.

Questions to ask yourself when you feel angry

• What feelings do I associate with the person who created this situation—e.g., hurt, disappointment, embarrassment?
• What is it that I would like to say?
• What is it that I want the person to hear regarding my feeling?
• What is the point that I’d like to get across?
• What kind of response do I want from the other person?
• How can I confront without being confrontational?

Essentially, you want the person who angered you to know how you really feel without dragging up a litany of offenses, by saying, “You always do this.” Those words can escalate into a serious confrontation.

It is enough to simply state what you feel. Suggest that you hope the situation does not occur again. And then leave it alone.

A bit of advice from a therapist colleague refers to the movie script scenario.

Think of what you want to say to the other person in full-blown anger. Then pretend you are in a movie and the world can see you. Will you be pleased or embarrassed by your words?

Face-to-face, email, and the forgiveness factor

With lovers or family, it is often advisable to talk face to face. In work situations, you may need to do both in a matter-of-fact way. When talking with someone who triggers your anger, here is a simple formula:

• State the problem.
• Express how you feel.
• Give the other person a chance to respond.
• Suggest a solution.

What’s next? Let the forgiveness factor kick in. A frequently quoted comment on forgiveness:

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."

The quote is attributed to Louis Benedictus Smedes, professor at Fuller Theological Seminary and author of "Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve."

Whether you've suffered a minor slight or a major grievance, there is a body of research that encourages forgiveness for those who hurt you. Forgiveness can significantly improve both your psychological well-being and physical health. (Weir, 2017)

^{Copyright 2023 Rita Watson, MPH}