Recharge Your Sex Life in 5 Simple Steps

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A common reason people request sex therapy consults is that one partner, more often than not a woman, has lost the desire to have sex. What can you do when sex begins to feel like a chore, an obligation, or something to do to satisfy the other?

If this is the case in your relationship, you’re in good company. Many couples find that their sex lives have taken a nosedive at some point. Fortunately, by better understanding how female sexuality often works a bit differently than male sexuality does, we can better work the sexual brain–body connection. By prioritizing pleasure, you can take simple steps to reignite the energy. In this post, we'll discuss five ways to get your sex life back on track.

For most people, the biggest reason sex loses its luster is that living with persistent stress, along with constantly plugging into our devices rather than tuning into each other, puts a serious damper on our physical and emotional well-being. This can wreak havoc on our sex lives.

Not only are people having less sex overall, but young people appear to be even more impacted by this sexual recession. In her new book, Laid and Confused, Maria Yagoda expands the conversation I began in my own book regarding how anhedonia, or the inability to experience satisfying pleasures, contributes to growing levels of angst and diminishing sex drives. Beyond depleted sex drives, she notes a new trend: When people are having sex, many report having bad sex. It’s apparently more challenging to experience pleasurable sex when we are having challenges experiencing pleasure in general.

Step 1: Address Your Stress.

Ask yourself some simple questions: Have there been recent health challenges? Relationship issues? Job changes? Additional responsibilities at home? How are you feeling about your body? Fit? Confident? Out of touch? Depleted?

Answering these questions can help you identify and address your stressors. Sometimes this can give you significant insights into where practicing real self-care, the kind that involves making difficult decisions to implement changes in your life, can reduce stress sufficiently to reboot your capacity for pleasure. In other cases, it may be necessary to address deeper issues, such as marital problems, anxiety, or depression, with the help of a professional. Whatever the situation, understanding the underlying factors at play can help you move toward a solution.

Step 2: Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.

As previously discussed on this page, people who create lifelong sexual potential learn to lean into the edges of difficult conversations and confront issues head-on. They nurture a productive and enlivening dialogue on a regular basis to give and get feedback about their sexual experiences. (For more on how to do this, click here.)

Ask your partner how they feel about your sex life, and be honest about your own concerns. Avoid blame and criticism. Frame it as an opportunity. Brainstorm ways you can enhance your sex life. Perhaps you need to prioritize intimacy more or reset your expectations about how sex is supposed to look. Get back in touch with the experience of sex as a playground to explore your bodies and minds together. Don’t be afraid to talk about fantasies. It can be daunting, but once you open up and share your desires, you may discover that your partner has similar thoughts or desires. This can get the spark reignited and get you both excited about exploring new experiences together.

Whatever the solution may be, open communication, along with the willingness to take risks, is the key to unlocking your passion and finding pleasure in your sexual relationship once again. Remember, being patient and open to trying new things is important.

Step 3: Learn to Navigate the Desire Curve.

In the honeymoon phase of a relationship, new relationship energy stokes the active desire of both partners such that sex works pretty well at first. In a long-term relationship, it is absolutely natural for sex to become somewhat predictable (and potentially boring). Over the course of a relationship, it is not unusual to lose active sexual desire (feeling the urge to have sex), particularly for women. Don’t take it personally, and don’t pathologize the lack of desire. As my colleague and friend Kelly Casperson, author of You Are Not Broken, likes to point out, desire is not necessary for having a splendid sex life if you find ways to access your capacity for pleasure.

Step 4: Learn How to Get Turned On by Life.

Enhancing our capacity for sexual pleasure involves expanding the definition of sex to include a broader meaning of the erotic, one that includes that which “enlivens” us. When I talk to clients, I explain that by awakening our appetite for life (via intentionally engaging our "SEEKING" and "PLAY" systems) such that we get turned on by life itself—by being present and exploring ourselves, each other, and the world with “new eyes” and new enthusiasm, our erotic potential expands. Learn something new, dive into an interest or curiosity. Engaging our seeking system—a wired-in core emotion powered by dopamine—will dial up our lust for life.

Step 5: Reconnect Emotionally.

When sex becomes a chore, it can be helpful to take a break from it altogether and focus on the emotional connection with your partner. Find ways to enjoy each other’s company without the pleasure of sex. Doing yoga together, meditating, or even just taking a walk together outside can be important ways to reconnect with the things that brought you together initially.

By taking a break and focusing on your emotional connection, you may find that the spark reignites naturally and spontaneously.

Once you feel emotionally connected and safe, you can gradually reintroduce physical intimacy into your relationship. It's important to take things slowly and communicate openly with your partner about your feelings and needs.

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Remember that every relationship goes through ups and downs; it's normal to experience periods of low sexual desire. By identifying the root causes of the issue, communicating with your partner, shaking up your routine, exploring new experiences together, and taking a break to reconnect emotionally, you can revive real intimacy, strengthen your relationship, and have more pleasure and fun too.