Why People May Seek to Marry a Narcissist

Most people who have been involved with a self-centered significant other can attest to the obvious: narcissists are not good romantic partners. Then why are they so attractive? Interestingly, some of the same qualities that make mirror-loving men and women alluring also render them unacceptable long-term mates. Research explains.

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The Desires of Experienced Daters

Carrie Haslam and V. Tamara Montrose (2015) examined the impact of mating experience as well as the desire to get married on attraction to the narcissistic personality.[i] They observe that although narcissistic males are unfaithful, selfish, lacking commitment, and manipulative, many women still view them as highly desirable.

Although the narcissistic personality includes many negative qualities, narcissistic men also possess qualities linked with higher status and the ability to provide resources—traits that are desirable in both short and long-term mating scenarios.

Haslam and Montrose then explored the value of previous mate sampling and desire for marriage on potential partner assessment and selection. Studying a sample of British women between the ages of 18–28, they found that women with more mating experience and women desiring marriage found the narcissistic male personality to be more attractive. In other words, despite the unsuitability of narcissistic men as marriage material, women nonetheless viewed them as suitable partners.

Haslam and Montrose opined on some of the reasons women loved men who loved themselves. They point out that although the narcissistic personality includes a significant number of negative qualities, it also includes qualities related to resource provision and status—which are desirable in both short- and long-term relational settings. And narcissists know how to showcase both, advertising their resourcefulness and reputation.

Haslam and Montrose note that narcissists are also frequently perceived as not only socially confident and entertaining, but physically attractive due to what they describe as “enhanced grooming,” maximizing their alluring exterior. It is no wonder narcissists are attractive options at first impression.

Altar Call: The Seduction of Superficial Attraction

Women who are ready to walk down the aisle may jump to conclusions about the type of man they want to have waiting at the altar. When assessing an attractive narcissist, this analysis may be more of a rush to judgment than a thoughtful decision, especially for women who want to get married.

Sure enough, Haslam and Montrose found that women who wanted to get married were more attracted to narcissists than women who did not share that desire, which is problematic because narcissistic men are more likely to have short-term mating goals and thus be unsuitable as a long-term partner. However, there were other traits that made narcissists appear to be potential marriage material.

Haslam and Montrose note that women who wanted to get married were more attracted to men who were authoritative and willing to engage in manipulation to enhance professional success, indicating potential to procure resources and achieve status—results that enhance the value of a long-term mate. They also note that many disadvantages of partnering with narcissistic males that would reduce the likely success of long-term partnerships are not immediately obvious when meeting them.

Avoiding "Last Call"

We warn drivers not to order “one for the road” at the last call for alcohol before a bar closes. We warn singles looking to partner up not to feel “last call” pressure that the clock is ticking to finally select a partner for the evening. A nightcap is not required simply because it’s the final chance to order one, and people do not become objectively more attractive as the night wears on. Similarly, narcissists do not become better relational choices simply because singles desire to get married. To the contrary, anyone serious about settling down should first consider the pool of candidates they already know. Familiarity is more likely to breed contentment than contempt, and paramours who were friends first often enjoy longer, quality relationships.