Quit Feeling Guilty About Not Being Present

Source: Denisismagilov/Deposiphotos

For years, the gurus of presence, such as Eckhart Tolle and Jon Kabat-Zinn, have said you find joy in the present moment. Thinking about the past or future causes feelings of regret or worry. Their teachings have driven up the popularity of mindfulness and learning how to be here now.

While these are good practices for starting the day or using them to re-balance emotions when stressed, they are not practical guides for living moment to moment.

As a human with needs and to-do lists, judging yourself as inadequate for feeling emotions, reliving past events, and worrying about the future is a waste of energy. Philosopher Martha Nussbaum has written that we all experience fear, grief, hope, and anger. Our emotions and thoughts are motivations that either support or subvert our choice to act and must be considered essential to our ethical reasoning.¹ What makes a difference in your daily experiences is how long you allow yourself to dwell in an emotion, what actions you take based on what you are feeling, and what promises you break to yourself or others when you get lost thinking about the past, the future, or in present distractions.

Permission to Be Human

It is important to permit yourself to go in and out of the past–present–future mind all day long. This is the experience of the human brain to review what has happened, to notice what is happening now, and to consider what might occur.

You keep your mind healthy by using curiosity to notice what context your mind drifts to and then choosing what you want to focus on. It’s then up to you to soften your emotions about past experiences, question your fear of uncertainty around the future, or bring yourself back into the present with gratitude, love, or laughter. This is how you practice a non-threatening relationship with your thoughts.

As poet David Whyte said, "Maturity is the ability to live fully and equally in multiple contexts… to courageously inhabit the past, the present, and the future all at once. The wisdom that comes from maturity is recognized through a disciplined refusal to live only in the past, or only in the present, or only in the future, or even living only two out of the three."²

You can give up blaming yourself for what happened in the past or fearing what has yet to happen. You can give up feeling something is wrong with you because you don’t experience lasting happiness or a total sense of well-being. You can give up feeling inadequate because you don’t feel courageous or fulfilled. You can give up thinking something is wrong with you because your thoughts distract you from staying fully in the present moment. Then without even noticing, you might stay longer in what's happening now. Or not.

Questions to Help Shift Your Context

When you recognize you are experiencing an emotion thinking about the past or future, instead of being overwhelmed and unsure what to do, ask what your emotion represents. Your experience indicates there is something you deeply care about. Ask yourself the following questions to clarify how your past or present affects this moment.

• Anger: What are you protecting? Anger is a reaction to not getting something you expected or hoped for. It could be a tangible desire for something, a position to hold, or a social need such as respect, acceptance, or safety. What you didn’t get is important to you. Can you separate your pain from your anger to better understand the loss? Do you want to acquire what you need differently, or can you let go of your desire to gain peace of mind?
• Fear: What could you lose? Fear is a prediction, an assumption about the future. Like anger, you might fear losing something tangible, or you are afraid something will happen that will hurt you emotionally. What are the consequences if what you fear comes true? What will you then do?
• Grief: What was the gift you feel you have lost? Grief can be intense or slightly slow you down as you heal. You might grieve the loss of a person, a pet, a thing such as a home, or a dream that won't come true, even if other doors might open. Author Patricia Campbell Carlson said, “Grief and gratitude are kindred souls, each pointing to the beauty of what is transient and given to us by grace.” Grief is a testament to your love.
• Resentment: What was taken or wounded? Resentment represents an event in the past that you are having trouble letting go of. If you need to let the person who offended you know what they did, share the event, its impact on you, and your request for how you want future interactions to transpire. State your boundaries. Define what a healthy relationship is for you. Then, every time you drift back to thinking about the event, consider what you learned. You might not get an apology or validation, but the declaration will help you release your attachment to the past.

Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön said when we relax and settle into the full texture of living, we can "look honestly and without aggression at our own minds...We give it up and just look directly with compassion and humor at who we are.”³

You can let your mind wander with self-awareness. Practice noticing your thoughts and emotions so you don’t get lost in the past or future. Don’t judge where your mind wanders. Seek to understand what you need right now to feel better about your past, what is possible in the future, and what is amazing in your life right now.