Aging With Integrity and Grace

Growing older and reaching a “senior” age can be disconcerting, whether our living conditions are favorable or unfavorable.

Unless we die prematurely, we will all face the challenges of old age. What we could long deny through the magical, invincibility-fraught delusions of youth will become inescapably real.

Aches and pains, dyspepsia, insomnia, chronic pain, memory failures, and other common symptoms are not unique to older individuals but are more common as the body and mind lose their youthful elasticity and resiliency.

No one is guaranteed a long life and no one comes out of the human experience alive.

But go to any nursing home or assisted living facility and observe individuals going through the end stages of the aging process. Some age well, and some not so well.

Erik Erikson, a 20th-century developmental theorist, believed that identity and personality continue to develop throughout all stages of life, including the final one. He outlined an elaborate, progressive, multistage theory of human development with distinct psychological milestones from infancy to death.

In infancy, trust versus mistrust is the cornerstone for building an individual's ego and identity. When infants' needs are reliably met by their caregivers, they will develop trust that the world is a safe place to accomplish the subsequent developmental tasks of learning, socialization, attachment, and work.

Erikson labeled the last stage of his theory integrity vs. despair. This stage, beginning around age 60, requires that we reflect on the past and assess whether we have had a successful or meaningful life. After reflection, people in this stage may say that although they have not achieved all of their dreams, their lives overall have been fruitful and meaningful. Despite sufferings and failures along the way, they sense innately that they have lived lives of value and have contributed something to the world.

According to Erikson, this response to one’s life inventory can produce wisdom, contentment, and the ability to accept death without fear. Alternatively, if on reflection people assess their lives as unfruitful and disappointing, they will likely experience despair, which may produce loneliness, regret, depression, hopelessness, and in some cases, suicidal ideation.

A Belgian research study put Erickson’s premise to the test, observing the responses of elderly citizens to the COVID-19 crisis and its concomitant stress, anxiety, and social isolation. The researchers found that individuals who reported a sense of ego integrity, based on responses to theory-based assessments, “can accept past events, see their life in a coherent perspective, and regard death as a natural and integral part of life.”

Data reflected higher levels of acceptance and less social isolation and despair in this population during the pandemic than in those who had entered the crisis period feeling despair and regret over the past.

Is it too late to find contentment?

If you have reached this stage of life and find yourself in the first category, all is well. You are positioned to share your hope and wisdom with those around you and enjoy the time you have left on the planet.

But if you are in the second category, all is not lost. You can adopt practices that can help you reframe the past, build or renew a sense of purpose and contribution, and invite a more satisfying experience of your later years. These practices include writing memoir, seeking community, making amends, and serving others.

Aging Essential Reads

The Retirement Dilemma: Leaving Work Doesn’t Guarantee Happiness

Ageism Among the Elderly

Memoir. Author Julia Cameron encourages creative expression throughout the lifespan. Her book devoted to “Retirees and Other Creative Souls” speaks to those who feel restless, anxious, and dissatisfied after leaving their careers and other mid-life responsibilities. Some lack a clear purpose as they seek a healthy aging process.

Cameron suggests writing memories of life experiences in five-year increments, starting with early childhood. Memoir writing captures memories of people, places, feelings, and sensations in an organic, spontaneous way, without censoring or judgment. It can yield many therapeutic results. As she writes, “Along the way, you will find dreams you wish to return to, ideas you are ready to discard, wounds you are ready to heal, and most of all, an appreciation for the life you have led.”

This slow processing of life experiences may allow you to forgive yourself for past mistakes and failures. It may bring back memories of long-forgotten victories that you can celebrate anew. Best of all, it may inspire self-compassion, as you accept the life you've lived and affirm that each unique life story, including yours, is of great value.

Community. It’s never too late to have a happy family. If you feel paralyzed with regret and shame over past family involvement, you may need to choose a community of people who can become surrogate family members in the present.

Take a class, start a hobby, join with others in creative activities, or attend local gatherings. Through these pursuits, you may meet people who become compatible members of your “tribe.” In this way, you start creating positive memories to crowd out painful old ones.

Making Amends. It's never too late to try to make things right with people you've wronged. As you reflect on your life, you may remember harm that you caused to others, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

If it is possible to approach those individuals to apologize, talk about your experiences together, and make amends to them without causing them further harm, it is wise and beneficial to do so. (See my previous post for more about the benefits of making amends at any age.)

Service to others. It’s never too late to do good to others. You have wisdom to impart, derived from past success and fulfillment or past failure and pain. Your positive experiences can bring hope, learning, and joy to others. The negative experiences can encourage others to persevere through suffering, as you have. Mentor someone. Volunteer your time and money to worthwhile charities. Tell stories to your children and grandchildren that will teach them about their ancestors. Doing good to others has a way of healing the heart and taking us out of self-obsession and regret.

Although none of us can escape the reality of aging and eventual death, it doesn't have to be a grim and paralyzing reality. By honestly assessing and compassionately accepting our pasts, we can move into the uncertainties of old age with integrity and grace.