7 Ways to Keep Your Cool over Political Differences

Our world is topsy-turvy; the 24/7 news cycle in conjunction with social media makes it so. We are living in times in which everything goes, and nothing (we were used to) works. As political celebrities utter anything outrageous—which they might do solely to attract attention—we become outraged.

Where have all the manners gone?

When anybody voices or posts an opinion, an avalanche of indignant remarks follows. This is often done anonymously—it’s easier to be nasty with a hood covering our heads. No forgiveness or benefit of the doubt is ever granted, especially when the opinion was political in nature. Upon reading an opinion, we are now prone to feeling painfully different from “the other” and react emotionally, often angrily.

It’s like we have gone backward in time; hitting people over the head with a club is back in vogue. Thank goodness, the club is virtual and consists of words.

Oh, when will they ever learn?

Many people feel unsafe to deviate even slightly from their tribe’s norm. It is scary out there as one’s reputation can quickly and irrevocably be damaged.

As we attempt to punish as in “correct” the others’ mistaken views, we end up punishing mostly ourselves. Our inner peace is disturbed, and our happiness impaired as we so readily let ourselves go downhill with righteous indignation.

Oh, when will I ever learn?

When we come across someone’s “incorrect” or misguided political opinion, we feel as if our moral values are being threatened or trampled upon. “The other” looks entirely evil and quite capable of destroying our world. To make things worse, sometimes we get evidence of such destruction when real people get hurt as a result of these misguided opinions.

What do we do? First, it's important to stand up for our values. While a recluse or “special” spiritual person might suggest that we should just not care or avoid politics altogether, I look at political engagement as part of the enlightened life. Ignorance and passivity only empower the decision-makers and let down those who cannot fend for themselves.

However, our engagement with the world should be effective, which it often isn’t when we are driven by anger. Instead of persuading the ones on the other side, we estrange them further, which inadvertently hardens their positions. Anger is not known to soften people. I know that I become rigid when I feel attacked.

To be effective and personally saner and happier as we engage politically, I suggest seven strategies:

1. Halt. When you feel yourself tensing up upon reading a “deviant” opinion, grant yourself a break. Take a couple of deep breaths, and have compassion for yourself. Notice that you might feel threatened without judging yourself for it.

2. Understand the other more deeply than your media of choice suggests. I am sure you have heard it: Our country is terribly divided. Everybody screams, “Tolerance.” “Respect.” “Be peaceful.” Few exemplify such virtues.

We do not become more virtuous because we are being admonished, or our reasonable mind tells us so.¹ What we need is exposure to “others” and to feel that they are not as different as they appear at first.

We need to do a little work to understand the other side. Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt points out that all human beings are born with a blueprint for morality. He organizes morality into six foundations:²

1. Care/Compassion

2. Liberty

3. Fairness

4. Loyalty

5. Authority

6. Sanctity

Haidt and others developed a questionnaire along with these foundations; thousands have taken the questionnaire. Democrats score very high in the category “Care/Compassion,” followed by “Liberty” and “Fairness.” On average, Republicans don’t seem to have a favorite moral foundation but score equally high on all six. What does that mean for us?

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We need to keep in mind that when a Republican appears heartless, it might be that he feels worried about society’s stability. Order is fragile and may fall apart as we lose “authority” over people. I do not mean to suggest that a Democrat must agree with this Republican. However, it would be helpful if he did not assume that the Republican has no morals. Instead of assuming the worst about him, it would be wise to assume that his morals are distributed differently, most likely because of his early conditioning.

Likewise, when a Democrat appears to be godless and disloyal, perhaps he is thoroughly filled with compassion on behalf of a potential victim. The Democrat cannot help but feel compassionate as he, too, was conditioned during childhood. Once again, I am not asking the Republican to change his views. But when we understand the other as either overly worried or too compassionate, our emotional reaction may just soften.

3. Relate to the other. Once we understand “the other” better, we can make a concerted effort to relate. There must have been a time where we ourselves felt overly worried or overly compassionate. As we put ourselves in the other’s shoes, she might not look so “other” anymore.

4. Reassure yourself. As you might still feel threatened, watch your physical tension, reassure yourself that your values are not really at risk. You can maintain your morality and hold the line. There is no need to push someone away with anger when you realize that you are safe.

5. Validate the other. Before even thinking about stating your position to the other, first convey to the other that and what you understand about him. Make sure the other knows that you can relate and that you don’t feel personally threatened. Learn to validate another person with: “The Ten Building Blocks of Connections” in A Unified Theory of Happiness.

6. Agree to disagree. Stating that “great minds can differ” can make a big difference in a conflictual exchange. You lose nothing by showing tolerance in this way. The other now has a chance to relax and witness virtue in real-time.

7. Stand up for your beliefs. Only now is it the time to state your views. Calm and collected, you can make your case. Still, you might feel some tension inside yourself—some of us hate to disagree. (See: Are You Too Agreeable?) But it will disappear as you watch it mindfully and with self-compassion.

© 2020 Andrea F. Polard, PsyD. All Rights Reserved.