The Turmoil of Adolescent Twins

For all twins, separation and individuation are extremely important and sensitive developmental issues throughout their lifetimes. Adolescence is a uniquely stressful time for identity development that creates difficult, intense, and oftentimes overwhelming challenges for twins and their families. Specifically, the strong and heartfelt realization of long-standing similarities and objective differences between twins can be hard for twins to process in their preteen and teenage years.

For example, one twin likes music, and the other wants to be a poet. One twin wants to explore Europe, and the other wants to attend an Ivy League college. Whether conscious or not, anger at each other for wanting to be different is a serious problem for teenage twins.

Parents and non-twins cannot really understand the deep roots of this conflict between twin and individual identity. Because twins are “living out” their anger and disappointment, they understand the power of anger to divide them.

Often, being different from your sister or brother is exciting and an accomplishment. Ironically and unfortunately, the loss of your perfect twin “mirror” is hard to come to terms with in personal and professional life experiences. Here is my explanation of why giving up your twin as a mirror is such a profound struggle.

Twins are born with the affirmation their twin gives them by being like them and understanding deeply. Twins want and even need the mirroring aspects of their twin identity. Fortunately, twins also want to be their own unique people. Conflicts over twin identity seen in mirroring and individual identity that were not apparent in earlier years arise with heartfelt passion in adolescence. Fighting and disappointment with each other become a part of teenage twins’ lives.

Teenage identity conflicts that are understandable, normal, and even healthy are seen most especially when twins share childhood friends for many years. As teenagers, twins begin to develop a desire for separate friendships. Romantic partners seem to challenge twins the most intensely, while friendships based on new interests are easier for twins to accept.

Accepting your twin’s different friends and interests is easier said than done. Acceptance of different friends and interests is never without some feelings of abandonment by the twin who does not have a new friend or new interest. Also, uncanny jealousy and competition arise over who has the better boyfriend, grades, or “attractiveness” at this time.

Anger and fighting are easily triggered when new people enter the twin social circle. Outsiders, no matter how accepting of the twin relationship, can create new types of distance between twins. “Distances” such as not talking to one another or not sharing clothes and possessions that were once easily interchangeable are very predictable. When jealousy gets more intense, twins can refuse to attend family parties together or weddings and graduations.

Comparisons between twins can be very painful in general. At large or special events, comparisons can be heart-wrenching for the twin that gets the “less than” reviews. For example, your sister is prettier than you or smarter or richer, which can lead to an emotional collapse for teenagers and young adults.

The family's life is affected by teenage twins because fighting and anger are far more intense than they used to be in childhood. Twin drama can take over the parents' ability to make reasonable decisions. Parents seek advice on handling fighting, separation, and the new and aggravating need to “not share.” What was never something to fight about such as clothes, electronics, cars, and computers–becomes more important than is sensible or reasonable. Amid the drama, family roles are cemented more profoundly.

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Twin A is the shy twin and needs protection. Twin B is the outgoing twin who needs to take care of her sister but also gets her way. As fighting escalates, parents and siblings take sides, which is never an effective strategy. Unfortunately, alliances within the family can become long-standing ways of being controlling and hurtful to everyone.

So, it is no wonder parents need help with their teenage twins. Frankly, giving general advice to parents is hard to do. Certainly, distance and respect are always important and valuable ways to promote a calmer teenager. Understanding the symptoms of adolescent turmoil is very helpful because if you understand them, you can normalize them and not blame yourself. Here are the behavioral symptoms of growing individuality that can promote serious distance.

1. Friendships are not easily shared, especially with romantic partners. This new twist is totally appropriate and should be encouraged and supported.
2. Twins want to dress differently, which is very healthy.
3. Eating different foods is common and should be respected.
4. Twins more directly act out roles such as “dominant” and “non-dominant” in the family. Try to understand and defuse enactments involving competition. Enactments intensify twin wars.
5. Twin wars have a special power that is difficult for anyone involved who tries to take sides. Do not take sides.
6. Fighting between twins lasts longer and is very difficult to understand and normalize.
7. Battle fatigue can lead to estrangement between twins.

Conclusion: Time is the only helpful tool to reduce fighting, leading to estrangement.

The teenage years are a time for serious separations between twins. While separations are inevitable, they are also very necessary for authentic individuality to develop. It will help you if you realize that your twin teenagers’ self-righteous behavior toward one another and parental figures will accomplish something necessary. Imposing the rule that twins “have to get along” will always backfire.