How Can I Get Along With My Adult Twin?

Twins are never copies of one another. They are not two peas in a pod or opposites of each other. These are the most important concepts to understand if you want to get along with your twin.

When you accept that you and your twin are different people, the intensity of your fighting will lessen. Are you thinking that respecting differences is easier said than done? Frankly, accepting the normality of differences between twins can be hard to do because our culture suggests that twins are extremely similar or that they “should” be replicas of one another.

When twins are different and don’t get along, onlookers are surprised, critical, and intolerant of twin honesty. I have experienced the shock people feel when I say, “My twin sister and I can’t seem to get along.” Mythology and fantasy, as seen in movies, art, and novels, portray twins as having an ideal relationship that other people long to possess.

Those of us who work with twins, such as parents, pediatricians, and educators, stresses the importance of individual development. In sharp contrast, my research, writing, consulting, and personal experiences indicate that twin estrangement can be common between twins if fighting is not handled adequately by parents from early childhood through adolescence. Raising twins is a complicated task to be taken seriously.

I share my belief that twins can develop a viable working relationship as teenagers and adults in a hopeful mindset. Always and understandably, because of closeness and competition, there is unhappiness and conflict between twins.

The first step toward resolving anger and disappointment is to respect yourself and accept on a profound level that you and your twin have different strengths, hardships, dreams, and life goals. Growing up, most twins see their worlds from the same perspective. But as twins gain individual identity, their singular perception of life changes. Your twin will have their sense of a situation, and you may have an entirely different opinion.

Adolescent and adult twins will not react similarly to logical or emotional decisions. Disagreements create serious problems. Who is right and who is wrong is a spoken and unspoken issue between twins. Saying to your sister or brother, “I see what you are saying about holiday plans, but I want to pursue our holiday in a different way than you,” can create enormous discord. Arguing over which sofa your twin should buy for their new home is not as provocative.

Different Opinions About Relationships Can Lead to Estrangement

Perhaps the worst issue, yet a very common problem between twins is when twins find romantic partners who are seen as a “twin replacement.” Here is a sad example. Joan is engaged to George, who her twin sister Arlene cannot get along with because of jealousy. Joan tries to get Arlene to see that George is a good fiance. But Arlene will not accept George. Arlene will not attend her sister’s wedding.

And the argument goes on and on. Observers like myself might think that both twins are marrying George. But only Joan is going to be the bride. Why is Arlene so concerned? Chaos and confusion take over the wedding plans. Finally, when Joan walks down the aisle with her father, her sister Arlene has decided to attend the wedding.

The regret and remorse over the supposed wrong choice of a mate can become unbearable for the bride, groom, and everyone in the extended family. Everyone is asked to take a side, directly or indirectly. These arguments never stop unless one of the players tries to be reasonable, gracious, and civilized. There are no solutions but to be reasonable.

So, where is the hope in these tumultuous situations? I would conclude that staying with your point of view will be helpful only if you have empathy for your twin. For example, you might say: “I know why you love George; I can really see his strengths.” You should not say: “He is a loser no matter how much character he has.”

Understanding Twins Essential Reads

The Unique Development of Twin Language

How Parental Indifference Affects the Twin Bond

Twin Replacement Anxiety

A great deal of anger between twins comes from one twin who feels replaced by any friend of the other twin. Will the twin with the new friend ignore their sister or brother? Is the bond that we share fading into oblivion? How will loneliness created by the new person be attended to? What can I do now when other people don’t understand me as my twin does?

Twins need to find new friends that fill in for their special twin attachment. It is totally normal to be jealous of your twin’s friends. In fact, in childhood, sharing friends and having your friends is a parental responsibility. As you grow older, it really helps for twins to decide, Who is whose friend?

Thoughts on Becoming Yourself

One way to deal with twin replacement anxiety is to protect what is yours and not ask for what is not yours. Not everything can be shared no matter what! No two people can always agree.

1. Be honest with yourself. Admit if it is true that your jealousy of your twin is related to the problem you are having. For example, if you are upset with your twin because they are able to travel more than you, perhaps you want to travel. Your twin reminds you of your unhappiness.
2. Try to be direct with your twin. Clear statements lead to solutions to problems. Evasive long-winded statements about who is right and who is wrong only prolong the disagreements. For example, if you don’t want to go out to lunch with your sister and her friends, just say so. If you justify your decision, you create more problems. Just say, No, thank you.
3. Compromise will build trust and attachment. For example, your sister wants to come and visit you, but her husband is opposed to her visit because he is busy and your sister is disruptive. Offer your sister another time to visit. In other words, try to look at a problem with your twin from your side and your twin’s perspective. Make a decision that reflects everyone’s best interest.
4. Stay focused on the problem in the present and avoid past issues.