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Just deal with it! Right? We all have to deal with it. But there are myriad ways to deal with it. Some of them are healthy. Some of them not so much. But the "it" we have to deal with are the raw vicissitudes of life. From the simplest things, like getting up in the morning and going to work, to the big awful things, like the death of a loved one or some other similar crisis—we deal. The biggest most important thing about dealing is that we come to know how we are dealing.
One of the most important and enduring of our methods of dealing is the formation of an identity. We deal with our families of origin by forming an identity that matches the perceived requirements of the family. You see, without knowing it, most families have a boxed notion of how the kids in that family are supposed to look, walk, think, talk and act. And without saying it, that agenda gets sent out into the atmosphere of the family goings-on on a daily basis. Every day, then, the child is gathering information and introjecting projections that define him. He is just like his father. She is too sensitive. He is going to be a doctor. She is the black sheep. He is so bright and good (the golden child). She will always take care of things. These are some of the defining projections that children introject and become. They don the mask and costume, sacrificing their authenticity, in order to become whatever the family insists because this is a way to deal with a family with such an insistent agenda.
And if a person develops an identity based on the family of origin’s projections, then they will cope according to that identity in every challenge of their lives. So, if a person develops a caregiver identity, for example, because she was forced into taking care of younger siblings because Mom and Dad were drunk or passed out on the sofa all the time, then whatever comes up, the caregiver will give care. She will pay other people’s bills, she will have others come to live with her, she will pet and prawn and take care of others. She will always know what to do to fix things, because she’s the fixer. Until one day she either breaks down or gets completely exhausted and that is when her body and mind are challenging her to find another way to deal. That is when it is possible for her to begin to find and live from the authentic self.
So, many of us have identities that are primary coping mechanisms. These identities include such titles as: superwoman, superhero (rescuer), victim identity (not to be confused with an actual victim of violence or other perpetration), scapegoat (good guy identity), black sheep, golden child, invisible child, runaway—just to name a few. If you fall into one of these identities, then you can see that you have pretty clear patterns of coping.
Some other ways of dealing:
- Substance use
- Rage
- Falling into isolation and despair
- Overworking
- Overeating
- Undereating
- Controlling others—maybe even abusing others
- Fixing others
- Denial
- Sticking your head in the sand
- Learning to self-soothe
- Learning to speak up for self
- Creating healthy boundaries
- Building a strong, healthy support group
- Seeking professional help when needed
- Learning to express one’s emotions effectively
- Journaling
- Meditating
- Healthy levels of exercise
- Eating nutritionally
- Learning to listen to your intuition and discernment
- Learning to listen to your emotions for the message they are trying to give
- Learning to listen to your own inner authority
You can tell by the list above that there are definitely some methods of dealing that are not so healthy, but there are also many ways to deal that are healthy and offer you a deeper degree of association with your authentic self. And the more you bring authenticity to your methods of coping, the better life is going to be.
So, how do you deal?
