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Key points
- Attempting to relax when experiencing anxiety reinforces the belief that you must do something to calm down.
- Our parasympathetic nervous system naturally functions to bring us back to homeostasis.
- Sitting with the discomfort of anxiety is the key to calming down more quickly.
Anxiety can be uncomfortable. In moments of heightened anxiety, it can even feel like you will never feel calm again. Understandably, many people try to relax to subdue their anxiety.
However, when you try to relax in response to anxiety, you’re reinforcing the belief that you must do something to calm down. That is not true. If you do nothing at all and simply sit and wait, your body will automatically calm down.
When we feel anxious, instead of relaxing, we can trust the body’s natural processes. When we do this, we learn to be less afraid of anxiety.
Meet Your Autonomic Nervous System
All human beings have a nervous system with two main parts: Autonomic and somatic.
Our somatic nervous system regulates conscious activity. It helps us move our bodies and sense the world around us. Our autonomic nervous system (ANS) is responsible for unconscious body functions such as breathing, digestion, and the beating of our hearts.
Anxiety and stress primarily involve the ANS, specifically its sympathetic division, which functions to prepare our body for fight or flight when we perceive a threat. I have previously discussed in greater detail the relationship between the sympathetic nervous system and anxiety here.
There is another division of the ANS, the parasympathetic division. Parasympathetic activity, which is commonly referred to as the rest-and-digest response, opposes that of the sympathetic division.
Activity in the parasympathetic division automatically decreases our heart rate, slows our breathing, and promotes digestion. When the parasympathetic nervous system is activated, we will eventually feel calm.
The sympathetic and parasympathetic divisions of our ANS work together to maintain homeostasis.
The key: The parasympathetic division, as a part of the ANS, is unconscious. You do not need to intentionally relax when you feel anxious. This will automatically and unconsciously happen over time.
Truthfully, you don’t need to do anything to relax. It will happen, as long as you let the natural processes of the parasympathetic division unfold.
Ironically, consciously trying to relax often makes it harder for the parasympathetic division to do its job. This is why the more we try to avoid anxiety, the worse it gets.
Trust Your Biology
Even though the body has these functions that will naturally cause anxiety to ebb, it can be hard to trust that they will work for us. Our fear is that our anxiety will last forever if we don’t do something to stop it. However, precisely the opposite is the case: The more we try to consciously control our anxiety, the longer it takes for our parasympathetic division to naturally bring us back to homeostasis.
Many people get stuck in cycles where they experience anxiety, and feel compelled to engage in certain behaviors to calm down. The most common are using drugs, drinking alcohol, and eating. Also common are compulsive behaviors.
When we use these types of behaviors to relax, the behaviors will be reinforced, and we will think we need them again in the future to calm down. We also make it harder for our parasympathetic division to activate and reduce our anxiety.
What helps? Trust your biology. Your parasympathetic division is woven into your biological makeup and it will bring your body back down to equilibrium when you feel anxious, agitated, and distressed.
If you want to speed up parasympathetic activation just sit with your anxiety. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable. This discomfort is what will alert your parasympathetic nervous system that it is time to kick in.
If you want to kill the time while the parasympathetic division gets going, try simply noticing how long it takes for your body to feel calmer, without trying to change how you are currently feeling. Often, by the time you notice and name your anxiety, your parasympathetic nervous system is already kicking into gear to slow things down.
If you notice yourself judging your feelings, remind yourself that your anxiety is a normal response to times of greater stress.
If you get stuck, think about the following: Just as you would trust a car to naturally slow down once you take your foot off the gas, you can trust your body to naturally calm down once you stop provoking your fight or flight system.
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