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Key points
- I believe that most current approaches to anxiety fall short because they are predicated on the medical model, which views anxiety as an illness.
- For more than two decades, I have helped patients identify, address, and transform their anxiety through this approach.
- The “illness” of anxiety can be a catalyst for positive change as long as we heed these messages by being more attentive and kinder to ourselves.
- By describing our challenges and sharing our fears, we can develop closer, richer, and more intimate relationships with our loved ones.
If you think you don’t handle anxiety as well as you could, you’re probably right. Most people do whatever they can to eliminate anxiety from their lives, and many doctors immediately suggest medication to dull its effects. No one likes feeling anxious. But before you try eliminating or even reducing the weight of your anxiety, please consider this: Anxiety can actually enhance your life.
I believe that most current approaches to anxiety fall short because they are predicated on the medical model, which views anxiety as an illness. Accordingly, people typically seek to eliminate—or at least reduce—their anxiety, since they believe that this is necessary to flourish and thrive. Of course, no one wants to live an anxious life, but another approach to anxiety is to befriend it.
For more than two decades, I have helped patients identify, address, and transform their anxiety through this approach. One of the first lessons we explore together is that our emotions are not always even-keeled—because they aren’t supposed to be. In many instances, anxiety serves as a guidepost so we can know that something is wrong or needs to change. Anxiety symptoms tend to surge when demands are high and resources low. In this regard, anxiety is often a canary in the coal mine, alerting us that we need to rebalance and improve our self-care.
Anxiety can also provide incredible opportunities to connect with others. By describing our challenges and sharing our fears, we can develop closer, richer, and more intimate relationships with our loved ones. This is because one of the best ways to create emotional closeness is by showing vulnerability and expressing emotions.
Another critical lesson of anxiety is that its uncomfortable symptoms can help us create deep reservoirs of internal strength we may call upon to transcend difficulties in life. By recognizing that anxiety is not dangerous and by persevering through its discomforts, we can increase our resilience and general capacity to withstand adversity. When we face—as opposed to avoid—our fears, we can emerge stronger and more courageous to meet life challenges across the board. The “illness” of anxiety can be a catalyst for positive change, as long as we heed these messages by being more attentive and kinder to ourselves, being more real and vulnerable with others, and transcending our perceived limitations in pursuit of our goals.
It took time for me to develop this understanding. My clinical training taught me that significant anxiety, in the absence of a real threat or circumstances that warrant excessive concern, is a clear sign of neurosis that requires medical intervention. My viewpoint on that changed 180 degrees about a decade ago. I had just accepted a dream faculty job at Harvard Medical School, and the opportunity to start a center in New York City dedicated to treating hundreds, even thousands, of patients with anxiety emerged. Like all good things in life, there were downsides. I would have to commute eight hours round trip each week from Boston to New York, weather some significant financial burdens in the short run, and add to an already overflowing plate of career responsibilities.
A few months later, I had just one patient on my caseload and felt overloaded with stress. Things were looking dire. Then, one challenging morning, as soon as I exited from Penn Station after the exceedingly long train ride from Boston, I received an email that my one patient was canceling his appointment. My academic affiliation and all those expensive years of training seemed to mean nothing in New York. I instantly felt a surge of overwhelming anxiety. The irony of the moment was palpable, and I began to chastise myself. Who am I to think I can help people overcome anxiety when I am feeling extremely anxious myself?
Fortunately, I caught myself before the spiral progressed. I heard myself say, “Of course, you’re feeling anxious. You decided to take on a big challenge, and right now you’re stretched thin. Commuting, balancing your career demands, and dealing with real financial issues has you worried. If you’re not feeling anxious from this challenge, it’s probably not a good opportunity. You have a big dream, you have a goal, so stick with it. You were bound to hit some snags along the way. Be humble and accept those challenges head-on. Let’s do this.”
Over the coming weeks, I made some strategic changes. I took stock of what I could do to improve my circumstances and identified the need to increase my self-care, including getting more sleep, exercising more regularly, and having a more balanced and nutritious diet. I also reached out to others to speak about my concerns. Talking with my wife was the most helpful of all since expressing my vulnerabilities and struggles drew us closer than ever before. Most important, I surrendered to my anxiety and resolved to persevere despite the discomfort I was feeling. By accepting my situation, I began the process of transcending the stress, and I have been stronger for it ever since.
That anxiety-filled day in Manhattan helped crystalize an entire philosophy towards dealing with mental health struggles: We can thrive with anxiety. What I initially viewed as hypocrisy was an opportunity. My New York office is now very busy. More importantly, the data we collect from our patients and therapists have confirmed what I learned myself: We can live vibrant and productive lives with anxiety and harness the power of anxiety to thrive and flourish.
In sum, when we stop fighting our anxiety, when we stop stigmatizing ourselves for feeling anxious, when we learn from anxiety the importance of self-care and self-compassion, when we share our anxieties and fears with others whom we love, and when we lean into anxiety and persevere despite its discomforts, we can flourish more than had we never been anxious in the first place.
