The Stepping Off Point

“Relationships can make you or break you apart.”

I’ve never forgotten the words I heard my Grandpa Hood utter hundreds of times while growing up. Although he stayed married to my grandmother for nearly 50 years, he had some unorthodox views about relationships­—when to stick around and when to make an exit. His relationship philosophy was, When you have more bad days than good days for a long time, you might want to think about packing it in!

As a therapist for over 25 years, I have been astounded by the impact his words of wisdom have had on me and my clients over the years. Although he has passed on, the lessons I learned from him helped inspire me to write my fifth book, The Stepping Off Point. The book is about understanding when it’s time to leave a relationship and how to do it with dignity and grace—even when that’s hard.

Many people will enter relationships that won’t work out for a variety of reasons. The divorce rate in the United States is often cited as hovering around 40 to 50 percent, indicating that nearly half of marriages may end in divorce. Breakup rates for dating relationships are generally higher, as these relationships are typically less legally and socially binding than marriages.

In my counseling work with hundreds of couples, a top reason that people report for exiting a relationship is that they feel it’s simply not going anywhere. One of my former clients put it like this, “I’m on a train that’s taken me every place but where I want to go— forward!” Her frustration sums up what it feels like for most people to be in a dead-end relationship. I’ve also found that people can often be reluctant to leave this brand of a draining relationship because they believe that they have invested too much time into the partnership to simply walk away. They are hoping for a positive return on their investment.

When your hopes have been dashed, it’s hard to hear that sometimes the best thing you can do is cut your losses and move on.

I define a dead-end relationship as one that offers minimal to no sense of sustained satisfaction in the areas that are most important to you. A man who had decided to end his six-year relationship said of his partner, “He’s a hard worker, he loves animals, and enjoys traveling. None of those things matter to me. We don’t laugh together and we get along two out of 30 days a month. It’s been this way for a long time.”

He was in a dead-end relationship and gave himself permission to say goodbye. Here are five ways to know you are in a dead-end relationship.

There is more time spent fighting than having fun. Some couples argue once a week, others argue once a month, and others argue every few months. It all depends on what’s going on in the lives of the couple. Disagreements in relationships are normal, yet chronic conflict is a sign of dysfunction and may signal a toxic connection.

Your needs are not being met despite making clear requests (begging for relationship basics). A former client shared, “I’ve been begging for more touch, hand-holding, and hugs for the last year. I’m asking for the same things over and over again.” She said that she finally ended the relationship out of a sense of despair. When you ask a capable adult to meet a specific need and it does not happen generally, it’s because they can’t or choose not to meet the need. In either case, this is a major signal you’re in a dead-end relationship.

You no longer look forward to spending time together. Many years ago, I had grown bored and weary in a relationship where I had been neglected emotionally. I realized that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere when I opted to stay home and watch crime show reruns instead of joining him for dinner. The thought of spending time with him saddened me. The relationship was dying for a number of reasons, and the lack of desire to connect pointed in the direction of an exit.

You’ve stopped communicating in meaningful ways. Even if couples communicate about the same things repeatedly, the simple fact that communication is happening is healthy for the relationship. Levels of communication can fade for many reasons, yet when we stop talking and checking in all together there’s no dialogue to anchor the relationship—we drift apart.

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Doing nice things for each other seems like a chore. In the middle of a couple’s therapy session, I asked a client why he had opted out of acknowledging his wife on their ninth wedding anniversary. He was honest and said, “I didn’t have the time, energy, or inclination.” That was the second year in a row he opted out of acknowledging his anniversary. The couple split a few months later. In healthy relationships, gestures of goodwill flow back and forth freely. Perpetual states of relationship lethargy and no desire to offer acts of kindness are yet other signs that a relationship is out of steam.

Don’t be afraid to walk away from a dead-end relationship, because the right person for you may be strolling down a tree-lined street just around the corner!