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Think You'd Be Immune to the “Tinder Swindler?” Think Again
How cognitive science can help save you from con artists.
Posted February 15, 2022 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- When we are madly in love, our brains can overlook and misread signals.
- Social media is built on a two-way illusion as we carefully craft our online persona and buy into other people’s polished virtual identity.
- Negative emotions can help offset excessive idealization, construct a more balanced view, and guide us out of an unhealthy dynamic.
A new Netflix documentary, “The Tinder Swindler,” sets us off on a wild journey through how an Israeli conman, Shimon Hayut, faked identity as the billionaire diamond tycoon’s son with an extravagant lifestyle filled with Bond-level plot twists. Stripping away layers of brand-name clothing, Shimon seems to have more in common with Cinderella after midnight as he left multiple women heartbroken. Bewildered of how Shimon was able to pull off the same trick numerous times, some are quick to blame the victims on how gullible they were (which, by the way, is a cognitive bias called the "third-person effect"). Emotional con is a magic show; we are mesmerized by the act and ignore the tiny voice reminding us that it is too good to be true. While most of us may never encounter an emotional con to this degree, I want to dissect Shimon Hayut’s scam using cognitive science and offer a few tips on how to have more success and fewer broken hearts on the battlefield of love.
The premises of the story sounded too much like Fifty Shades of Grey: a sophisticated and charming guy with a family fortune traveling the world in private jets and hosting lavish parties. First wooing women with grand gestures and professing his heart-felt emotions, Shimon groomed his victims to willingly send him millions of dollars that left them with devastating debts and broken promises. Shimon’s method is quite simple; once trust has been established through a well-crafted social media presence and consistent communication, he manipulates the intense emotions of love and fear in his victims and preyed on the mind’s vulnerability in integrating new information when bombarded with emotionally heightened situations.
Swindler Step 1: Induce trust by crafting a well-connected social media presence and prompt in-person meeting.
In the world before online dating, couples were set up by friends and families who could vouch for your match’s character and integrity. However, in the world of online dating, you are on your own. As humans, we are uncomfortable with “not knowing,” and the common remedy for the uncertainty has been performing a detective-level thorough social media search on your date to confirm that their dating profile lines up with their online presence.
While I support verifying someone’s identity to provide a basic sense of safety, social media searching can warp our feelings and judgment before meeting the person, not to mention that social media is incredibly susceptible to manipulation. In the case of the Tinder Swindler, both were true. Shimon has crafted the perfect social media presence with a large follower base: stylish appearance, exclusive travels, luxurious lifestyle; he even changed his name to “Simon” to fit the cosmopolitan image of an heir to a diamond empire. To corroborate his origin story, Shimon fabricated the business Web site where he is the CEO of a diamond company. In a recent study, women and younger individuals were found to show more trust in the integrity of social media users, and active Instagram users were more likely to trust the content of social media than nonfrequent users (Warner-Søderholm et al., 2018). The Tinder swindler has painstakingly nested the perfect breeding ground for his million-dollar scam. Shimon sweetened the deal by making women feel as if they hit jackpot matching with a wealthy celebrity, generating a swirl of excitement and disbelief. To quickly seal the deal without leaving his victims time to doubt whether this is too good to be true, Shimon was quick to propose the first date after the initial match.
The “Instagram vs. reality” phrase serves as a good reminder; the reality is that social media is built on a two-way illusion as we carefully craft our online persona and buy into other people’s polished virtual identity. The same goes for online dating profiles; we live in a time where our online persona overwrites who we are in real life. While it is often good to have more information, having too much information could close us off to contradicting evidence, and we only accept information that supports our beliefs, otherwise known by psychologists as the “confirmation bias" (Nickerson, 1998). Next time, use social media search as a way to verify your date’s basic information, but be wary not to over-idealize or dismiss someone based on their online persona. Try listening with curiosity and being open to modifying your beliefs.
Swindler Step 2: Use grand gestures, deepened connection, and intimacy.
Soon after the initial date, Shimon is quick to throw in grand gestures (e.g., fancy dinner, trips on a private jet). This is a crucial step in deepening trust by confirming that he is indeed wealthy and well-connected. Between each meeting, Shimon sprinkles in affectionate and loving messages that deliver a powerful dose of dopamine (Aron et al., 2005) to sustain the early stage of a long-distance relationship. As doubts in those womens’ minds begin to diminish, Shimon strengthens the attachment by opening up and sharing his vulnerability—stories about being in jail, working in a dangerous industry with many enemies, his aspirations and fears—all of which would make him seem more personable and make others feel more connected to him. Research on self-disclosure demonstrates that the listener and not the discloser tends to feel greater degrees of connectedness after a conversation (Sprecher, Treger, & Wondra, 2013). This is not surprising; we have a strong desire to belong, and unprompted self-disclosure from a romantic partner is a powerful ingredient to closeness and intimacy.
I have seen individuals heartbroken after dating someone for a short time, unable to reconcile with how much the partner opened up yet how quickly they withdrew and moved on. While self-disclosure and emotional intimacy are often the foundations of a healthy relationship, keep in mind that how much someone opens up to us often does not equate to commitment in a relationship.
Swindler Step 3: Induce heightened fear and ambiguity, which can make us turn to the familiar and discount contradictory evidence.
Once trust and attachment are established, Shimon began to send cryptic messages to his victims alluding to his physical safety being in danger. To keep his victims isolated and dependent on him, Shimon instructs them not to reach out to others for help. When faced with ambiguous and possibly dangerous situations, we latch onto the familiar. In this case, these women remain loyal to Shimon, trusting his words and instructions of how to navigate this novel and nightmare-ish situation. An important concept at play here is the “endowment effect,” simply the idea that once we are invested or have ownership in something, we become attached to it despite contradictory evidence (Thaler, 1980). In the case of the Tinder Swindler, preserving the attachment and saving loved ones from a terrible predicament became the primary motivation, causing these women to give in to Shimon’s financial requests over and over again.
It is not unusual to see people “stuck” in a relationship that is too bad to stay but too good to leave. When we invest time and effort in a relationship that is no longer serving us, we sometimes fall under the false promise that things may get better if we could just hold on a little longer; we might even shut ourselves off to the caring advice from friends or family. For the same reason that a gambler may double down after losing, we put on mental blinders to avoid failing or dealing with the painful reality of a broken promise. One way to alleviate this cognitive bias is by paying attention to negative emotions and information. In certain situations, negative emotions could help offset excessive idealization, construct a more balanced view of the relationship, and guide us out of an unhealthy dynamic.
Tinder swindlers are the inevitable byproducts of modern online dating. However, if we can carefully avoid our natural cognitive glitches, online dating could be surprisingly effective. Here is how: Notice if you are getting to know the person or attached to their carefully crafted social media persona. Be open to changing your views and integrating new information. And remember, when we are madly in love, our brains can overlook and misread signals. When you feel stuck in a relationship that no longer has the capacity to help you feel safe, turning to friends, family, or professionals could provide the support you need to leave an unhealthy relationship.
References
Aron, A., Fisher, H., Mashek, D. J., Strong, G., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2005). Reward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 94(1), 327–337.
Nickerson, R. (1998). Confirmation bias: A ubiquitous phenomenon in many guises. Review of General Psychology,2, 175–220.
Sprecher, S., Treger, S., & Wondra, J. D. (2013). Effects of self-disclosure role on liking, closeness, and other impressions in get-acquainted interactions. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(4), 497–514.
Thaler R. H. 1980. Toward a positive theory of consumer choice. Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization. 1(1): 39–60.
Warner-Søderholm, G., Bertsch, A., Sawe, E., Lee, D., Wolfe, T., Meyer, J., ... & Fatilua, U. N. (2018). Who trusts social media? Computers in Human Behavior, 81, 303–315.
