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Key points
- People-pleasers often say “yes” to assuage the anxiety, fear, and guilt of saying “no,” even to their detriment.
- Having guilt-free responses ready can help people set boundaries and avoid a reflexive “yes.”
- People who struggle with people-pleasing should try to avoid over-explaining and apologizing when it isn’t necessary.
“Sure!” “Yes!” “Absolutely!” “I’ll be there!” “I’d love to!” “I can do it!”
People-pleasers have a problematic habit of instinctively saying yes without giving a question a second thought. The visceral fear of disappointing others or, worse, facing rejection and possible abandonment ironically causes them to abandon themselves and adhere to the wants and needs of others. Many online sources advise people-pleasers to “just say no,” or reason that “no is a complete sentence.” That’s accurate and we’re all in agreement about that, yet sometimes it’s just too great a leap or too frightening for people who are just getting started on setting boundaries. I liken it to taking advanced statistics when you haven’t even attempted Algebra 101. Some neurodivergent people and chronic people-pleasers have been flexing their “yes” muscles for decades. The sheer weight of a simple “no” at the beginning of their boundary journey can sometimes be too heavy to bear.
Most people-pleasers, especially those who are neurodivergent, are so attuned to other people’s feelings that they fear causing any potential emotional upset or coming off as mean, rude, or impolite. This often leads to saying “yes” to assuage the anxiety, fear, and guilt of saying “no,” even to their detriment. Here are five suggested phrases to help create space and time to contemplate whether or not you’d like to accept or decline a request while you’re strengthening your advanced boundary muscles. Feel free to mix and match pieces of the phrases as you see fit.
1. I’m trying to break the habit of saying yes before double-checking. I’m not sure I can right now. Can I get back to you on that?
Who said we couldn’t be honest about practicing boundaries? Not only is this a sincere and guilt-free phrase, but this statement also buys you time and isn’t quite as frightening as the dreaded “no" or “I can’t” for boundary-beginners.
2. I don’t want to overcommit; I’ll check my schedule and get back to you soon.
There’s nothing unreasonable or mean about confirming you aren’t already booked for another event before agreeing to attend another.
3. I have to check with (insert significant other’s/family member’s) schedule first. Thanks for thinking of me/us.
We play many roles: mother, wife, sister, husband, father, brother, fiancé, etc. If you or your family are invited as a pair or a group, it’s not ill-mannered to confirm that the event works with everyone’s calendar.
4. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now; I’ll be sure to get back to you by the end of the day with an answer.
Not only have you indicated that you have a demanding schedule at the moment, but you’re also being polite by giving them a timeline for when you’ll respond. Be sure to follow through with whatever timeline you choose.
5. I’m not 100% certain that I can XYZ, but I’ll get back to you as soon as I know.
This phrase conveys consideration. How many times have people spoken prematurely and had to bail on a commitment, project, person, or event? Saying “maybe” first, instead of saying yes and then having to backtrack, is polite and respectful.
What to avoid
Of course, the don’ts are just as important as the do’s for people-pleasers.
1. Don't apologize.
Second to the reflexive "yes" is the reflexive “I’m sorry!” for chronic people-pleasers. While you’re on your boundary journey, try to stay away from apologizing. There’s no need for it. Apologies are in order when you’ve done something “wrong” or hurt someone intentionally or unintentionally. Turning down a dinner date with friends or prioritizing yourself and your needs over work does not warrant an apology to anyone.
2. Don’t play the over-explain game.
“I’m really sorry I can’t make it. I had a terrible week. My boss was in an awful mood. I’m not feeling well and couldn’t find a babysitter/pet sitter.” This is all a function of guilt and fear. Again, unwarranted. Guilt says, “I’ve done something bad.” You haven’t committed any crime or caused harm by turning down an invitation or request to attend or engage in anything.
3. Don’t offer an alternative time if you don’t like the person, place, or activity.
The point of memorizing these phrases is to give yourself a chance to honor your wants and needs. If you want to say no, but are too fearful in the moment, then these phrases allow you to figure out how to say it in a way in which you’re most comfortable. If you’re not fond of the person, place, or activity, refrain from offering the guilt-ridden “can we do it another time?” after you’ve politely declined. For example, if you’re invited to take a yoga class and loathe yoga, suggesting another time is like putting a Band-Aid on a gaping wound. What will you do if the person takes you up on your offer? All you’ve effectively done is postpone your grief. This defeats the entire purpose of practicing boundaries in the first place. Less is more if you're not fond of the person, place, or activity. Keep it short, simple, and sweet.
4. Don't rush your decision when pushback occurs.
Boundary pushback is real, so be prepared. We’ve all encountered eager or pushy people. That does not mean you should rush your decision or say yes when you want to say no. Hold your ground, take your time, and politely repeat yourself. “I’ll get back to you when I know. If you need an answer now, unfortunately, I’ll have to decline/say no.”
