The Power Couple Paradox

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Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Beyonce and Jay-Z. Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. Michele and Barack Obama. Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce.

What do they all have in common? Each is a power couple. Kings and queens.

A “power couple” is a romantic partnership between two highly successful, respected, influential, and admired individuals. Each person is exemplary on their own, but together, the combination is somehow even better, more respected, and more impressive.

When thinking of your future partner, it’s appealing to be part of a superstar team that takes on the world together, sharing in each other’s success. Power couples don’t have “better halves"; they have equally amazing other halves. They are “A players” paired with other “A players.” If you’re confident, capable, and accomplished, you may want a partner who is, too. Power couple status is about having a true equal and being counterparts who make each other better while together being a couple that others envy.

As much as being in a power couple sounds ideal, there are several problems that may make you reconsider.

The Problems with Power Couples

1. Be Careful What You Wish For. What traits do power couple partners have? They likely have high status, abundant financial resources, high intelligence, charisma, confidence, charm, a good sense of humor, the ability to command a room, and a magnetic presence, all while being physically attractive.

That all sounds great, but there’s a catch: These are also common characteristics of narcissists (Semenyna, 2018). For example, research shows that narcissistic women seem more intelligent (Zajenkowski & Gignac, 2021), and narcissists are often more physically attractive on average than non-narcissists (Holtzman et al., 2010). Of course, narcissists also have toxic traits. For example, though they’re more attractive, they’re also more vain (Tanesini, 2021). Narcissists may also be arrogant, conceited, superficial, manipulative, blameless, and selfish. The end result is a “time bomb” relationship that starts out amazing, full of grand gestures and excitement, but quickly turns awful.

2. You’re Just Like Them. Research suggests that you may be attracted to narcissists because you have narcissistic tendencies yourself (Kardum et al., 2017). Similarly, research from Thailand found that more narcissistic people were attracted to high-status partners who also admired them (Tanchotsrinon, 2007).

It’s also easy for narcissists to validate each other’s bad behaviors. For example, narcissistic partners aren’t likely to take issue with each other constantly wanting attention, worrying about their appearance, and taking lots of photos because both partners value the same thing. It all feels normal. Of course, if your partner is at least slightly more narcissistic than you, it allows you to not feel so bad about your own self-absorption, allowing it to continue.

3. It’s Hard to Share the Spotlight. Being in a power couple is all about each partner being equally amazing. But if you’re used to being great, you may have a strong need to be the clearly superior partner. That competitiveness can make it difficult to avoid conflict, which can create awkwardness and downright animosity between partners based on who gets more attention and gets to play the starring role in the relationship.

​​​​​​​4. You’re Too Supportive. If you’re not self-centered, you may make the perfect power couple partner because you support your partner’s narcissistic tendencies. For example, research finds that narcissists want partners who are highly positive about them, admire them, and are less likely to want emotional intimacy (Campbell, 1999). If you’re someone who is generous with words of affirmation (e.g., “You’re amazing.” “I can’t believe how lucky I am.”) it meets the narcissistic need for admiration. Over time, you become your partner’s supporting act or personal assistant.

If Power Couples Are So Problematic, Why Do They Happen?

Just because something can happen doesn’t mean it happens a lot. Because power couples are so noticeable, it makes them feel more common. There’s also a survivorship bias, or our tendency to focus only on those who “made it” and ignore the rest who did not.

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Plenty of attempted power couple partnerships fail. However, couples form based on assortative mating, the phenomenon in which individuals with similar characteristics or traits are more likely to form partnerships (Daniel, 2018). In other words, lower-status partners will tend to end up together, and higher-quality partners will generally find each other as well. The key is to be high quality by being nice, kind, supportive, and understanding while avoiding narcissistic tendencies.

Having a trophy partner or being part of a power couple seems appealing but may not be the best goal. Instead of being impressed with narcissistic qualities, recognize the high maintenance and needy nature of someone who requires constant admiration, attention, and validation.