Putin's Graduation Speech

Dear graduating students, I am delighted that you have this opportunity to learn some important lessons from me at this very critical time in your lives. I know you are doubtful, because after all I am the leader of the Great Russian Motherland and you are only now stepping out from school into the big world. I have made history. I have changed the world, and the most important thing you have done is to pass final exams. How can lessons from my historic life be of use to you? Well, listen to what I have to tell you, open your minds and you will learn three invaluable lessons from me today.

First, the job title is less important than the power you carry to the job. When you search for a job, do not be concerned about the job title. Remember, you can make the job important by your own individual force. What is a job title? Assistant manager, junior accountant, sales associate, research assistant, medical trainee…these are all meaningless, because you can bring power to the job. Look at my historical example. I was president, then prime minister, then again president – but the job title did not change anything at all, because all the time the power was mine. I took the power from job title to job title. So, when you go to your job interview, do not worry about your job title; I have shown that the job title is less important. I will carry just as much power to my next job title.

Second, use your enemy’s strength against him. This is something I learned from martial arts (you have probably seen the pictures of me without my shirt, and are aware of my physical powers). The United States is strong in cyber warfare, and we could not hide our secrets anywhere without being discovered by American eyes and ears. They followed us everywhere. This was a huge strength for America. Instead of hiding this American strength and trying to deny it, I have made it known to the world – thanks to Edward Snowden and the ‘NSA scandal’. I have shown the entire world how America has been watching and listening everywhere. You see, simply by shining a spotlight on this American strength, I have made it an American weakness. This shows my special historic leadership.

Third, ‘feelings trump facts’; that is my motto! Always remember this vitally important idea when you go to your first job after graduation, feelings trump facts! People have to feel good about how you are doing your job, and this can be contrary to how things are actually working out. You have to get other people to feel good about you. Your sales numbers could be down and the facts might say you are not doing well, but if you can make people feel good then you are a winner. Life expectancy and the standard of living for most Russians has been declining, as has our population size, but my historic leadership has made Russians feel good again. It is morning in Russia, and everybody knows I made the sun rise again on our Motherland.

So, dear graduating students, as you enter the job market – be confident, be happy, and remember these three lessons. Yes, it is morning in Russia.