Why No Good Comes From the Word “Should”

Source: Photo by Yasin Yusuf on Unsplash

You should go down the corporate path because it’s safe. No, actually, you should go down the entrepreneurial path because it’s freeing and ambitious.

No, you shouldn’t remain small, but you should build an empire of your brand. You should date people of the opposite gender. And marry them. And have a huge wedding. You shouldn't elope; that’s mean to your family. Of course, you should have kids. Though if you have kids and you are a woman, you shouldn’t have a career because you have to be there for them.

You should think of the best schools. Or forest schools. Or home-schooling. You shouldn’t have a nanny because it means you’ve failed. Or actually, you should have help because then your child will always have attention.

You should be lean but not skinny. Strong, but not bulky. Curvy, but only in the right places. You should wear stuff in style. Buy quality clothes, not fast fashion. Go vegan. Drive a hybrid. No, electric. Better yet, ride a bicycle. Just move into the middle of a forest, build a shed, and become self-sustaining. And this and that and this and that.

Are you exhausted yet? I am. Especially if I start listening to these shoulds or letting them get to me. That's the problem with the word should: it can really get to you.

Here is why:

1. Should is critical.

Should is a shame-based statement that creates stress and anxiety in your body and mind. It implies that you aren't doing enough or aren't good enough. "I should work out more. I should be skinnier. I should be less emotional." There's no need for that. There is nothing you should do or should be if you don't want to.

2. Should is disempowering.

Should is one of the least motivating things you can say to yourself. It implies that you ought to do something simply because it is expected of you–either by others, societal norms, or yourself. This is not the intrinsic motivation that makes you go after what you want. No, this is the opposite. It's uninspiring, dull, and makes you want to crawl back into bed in the mornings.

3. Should is not real.

Should indicates that there is a specific, correct way to do things. This is not true. No one can tell you what you should do or how you should live your life, or who you should be or become. Just like you can't tell anyone else that either. Why? Because there is no one correct way to live life. There is only your way to live your life. You get to design the life you want and write your life story exactly how you want it. And you should (forgive the pun) do exactly that.

So what now? How do we get rid of this pesky little word? Here are some things to try:

1. Replace the word "should" with "could."

"I could work out more. I could be leaner. I could have better control of my emotions." Replace your shoulds with could, and you already start to feel more empowered. Could gives you a choice to do something and eliminates the critical pressure that should carries.

2. Replace the word "should" with "want."

"I want to work out more. I want to be leaner. I want to have better control of my emotions." Replace the shoulds with wants and see how that sits with you. Do you actually want to do all these things? Or not really? I like to say, "if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no." But you don't have to be that extreme. Simply sit with your new statements of "want" and see which of those wants you really want to prioritize.

3. Question your "shoulds" with "Why?"

"I should be skinnier." Why? "Because I feel the pressure to. Because everyone I follow on Instagram looks skinny. Because I used to be." Nope, none of these answers will get you motivated to follow through with that should because they're driven by external expectations and critical self-judgment. In other words, they're full of negativity.

"I should work out more." Why? "Because I want to feel better in my body and mind. Because I enjoy it. Because I am training for a half-marathon." Compare these answers to the ones above and how they make you feel. You want to work out (notice what I did there) because you want to feel better, enjoy it, and have a goal to reach. These are all positive, empowering things that motivate you to do what you actually want to do.