Projection as Protection

Sometimes, despite your good intentions and clear communication, you can still get blamed for something that isn’t your fault. Once you’ve reflected on your possible role in the situation, it’s important not to take on emotional baggage that isn’t yours, lest it weigh you down.

For a variety of self-protective reasons, some people are simply too scared to take responsibility for their problems. Maybe they learned as children that it was unsafe or unacceptable to make a mistake, be vulnerable, apologize, or forgive. Or maybe they were traumatized or emotionally neglected in ways that make it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to empathize with another person’s experience and point of view. Such is the case for people with personality disorders, especially borderline and narcissistic types.

For such perpetual victims, projection is a way of protecting themselves from deep internal pain—for example, feeling unloved, unwanted, worthless, and invisible—that is locked away behind a fortress of defenses. In other words, they can’t distinguish “bad” behavior from feeling that they are inherently bad people. Blaming thus becomes their way of protecting their fragile egos from the shock of deep, overwhelming emotions that are too much to handle.

Disagreements with perpetual victims can be extremely stressful because it is always your fault and never theirs. If you have a good sense of self-esteem, you should be able to sift the truth from the projections—for example, I know I’m a generous, caring person no matter how much my sister tells me I’m selfish. Still, such altercations will feel extremely draining and will naturally make you want to distance yourself from the person, which you may or may not be able to do, depending on the relationship (for example if it’s your ex-spouse, and you have shared custody).

But if you have a tendency to get confused or doubt yourself or think everything is your fault, taking the blame can actually be toxic, eroding your energy, self-esteem, and sanity. I’ve experienced this phenomenon frequently in my work with adult children, siblings, and spouses of people with personality disorders.

As adults, these over-apologizers are especially susceptible to gas-lighting—a form of manipulation in which the manipulator uses denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying to make the other person question their own memory, perception, and sanity.

Sifting and setting boundaries

Navigating these relationships can be tricky and extremely painful. If the person is verbally abusive, the best course of action may be to walk away from the relationship altogether. Of course, this may be difficult if the blamer is your parent or the parent of your children. But some courageous, emotionally exhausted, broken-hearted people do make this choice as a matter of self-preservation and find that it’s for the best. You don’t have to tolerate toxicity.

Otherwise, limiting contact and setting boundaries are some helpful strategies to ensure that you don’t end up being their emotional punching bag. For example, you might say, “I’m not going to listen to you until you lower your voice and speak to me in a respectful manner,” or even, “Ouch. That hurts. It’s not OK to speak to me this way.” If they continue, you can protect yourself by walking away.

Of course, whether or not you successfully protect yourself in an interaction, you may still need to sift through the accusations lobbed at you—why you’re a lazy, selfish person, why you’re weak and spineless. If you know your strengths and shortcomings well, it will be much easier to shake it off. But if there are any parts of you that believe what the person is saying, you may need to do some inner work to parse fact from fiction while ensuring their poison doesn’t pollute you.

How to deal with projections

Here are some tips that can help.

1. Identify what projection or accusation the person is making and state it in the first person.

For example, “I am selfish.”

Note: If the person hasn’t actually accused you of something—if you just think they think this about you—first ask yourself, “What evidence do I have that they think this way? Is it possible I’m making up a story? What’s another possibility?”

2. If it’s pretty clear they believe something negative and untrue about you, ask yourself, “Is this…

a) Always true? If so, why do you think that? Are there exceptions?

b) Sometimes true? Give examples.

c) Never true? Explain and give examples.

3. How will I feel and think about myself if I accept all of their projections or opinions as truth?

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4. Would a person I love and trust share this same opinion of me?

Why? (For a reality check, ask a person you trust to reflect on whether the projections are true or not.)

5. Is there a grain of truth in what they say that I could address with curiosity and self-compassion in an emotionally safe environment?

6. What boundaries can I set that will ensure that I don’t have to take this on?

For example, you can limit contact, bring a friend to family gatherings, etc.

7. How can I care for myself so this doesn’t consume me?

For example, talk to a therapist, take a walk, talk to a friend, pray, work out.

Dealing with residual bad energy

It used to be that I couldn’t tolerate the idea that someone out there was holding a negative opinion about me that wasn’t true. As a child, I felt very misunderstood by my family. So whenever I got into an argument with someone, I would relentlessly try to help them understand my point of view. This generally worked well with self-possessed people who listened with an open mind and heart (of course, sometimes I discovered why I was wrong). But it backfired miserably with people who, for whatever reasons, could not or would not listen.

As I've matured and healed my inner child wounds, I’ve grown more comfortable with the idea that some people will continue to not like me, misunderstand me, and think negative things about me. And while this bothers me, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but love myself, live my best life, and let go of caring to the best of my ability.

Here are some thoughts to help you deal with people who judge, dislike and misunderstand you:

1. Just because someone out there believes you’re a terrible person doesn’t make it true.

Nobody has a monopoly on truth. Some people simply won’t be able to see your goodness because of their own limitations and unhealed wounds that are not your responsibility to heal or fix.

2. The person who thinks you're a terrible person is probably missing out on the possibility of nurturing a loving relationship with someone who wants to connect with them.

3. People have been scapegoating since the beginning of time, but goats are innocent, lovable creatures.

Sometimes I send prayers of lovingkindness towards the person whose negativity I’m sensing. Other times, I may say the Serenity Prayer, asking for help from my Higher Power to accept the things I cannot change.

But the tool I find most helpful is, through meditation and imagery, letting my inner child know that I love her regardless of what anyone else thinks. When I’m experiencing times of adversity, I may need to sit with her every day for 5-10 minutes, holding her in an emotional, energetic embrace of love and compassion. By creating a bubble of light and love, I protect myself from taking on energy that does not belong to me.