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Key points
- It is common for a new mom's libido to plummet.
- A decreased libido sometimes comes with shame and partner guilt.
- Do something each day that makes you feel sexy on the outside and confident on the inside.
When it comes to sex after pregnancy, there are so many questions, apprehensions, and, most commonly, a lack of desire. Between the feedings, spit-ups, and trying to find 10 minutes somewhere to take a quick shower, it can be hard to feel sexy let alone actually want to have sex. A doctor’s typical recommendation is to wait six weeks post-birth to give the body adequate time to heal before engaging in penetrative sex. Let’s be real; the first few months are all a blur, and a new mom is most likely not thinking about sexy time.
Aside from the common postpartum hormone imbalance, it’s common for new moms to experience a lot of guilt for not having, or wanting to have, sex. I’m a sexologist, and I’ll be the first to say that sex is a great stress reliever. Sex can be a great way to cope with stress when adjusting to a new family dynamic. The reality is that most new moms are not desiring physical intimacy. Whether the mom delivered vaginally or through a C-section, the body has undergone 9 months of trauma only to end with a grand finale: labor. What was once a sexy turn-on that was sure to ignite your inner spark may now just irritate you.
There is an existing societal pressure to always have “more sex.” When we think we are not meeting those societal expectations, we feel shameful. I commonly hear in my practice that new moms feel they are disappointing their partners and leaving them feeling sexually frustrated and rejected. This shame is only amplified after a woman hits that six-week green-light approval period for sex.
Wondering how to get back to feeling like you again? Here are a few suggestions to get started.
Sexy Confidence
Our bodies have changed, and it’s time to learn how to embrace it. Do something each day that makes you feel sexy on the outside and confident on the inside.
Here are a few suggestions from my clients:
- Wear a piece of lingerie to work.
- Start your day with a song that makes you feel powerful.
- Have a little sexy time with yourself!
Shedding the Added Layer of Guilt
You may not feel like having sex. It’s OK! The initial desire to have sex starts in the mind. If you follow me on Instagram, you will find that my favorite motto is Sex is between the ears, not just the legs.
If your mind is stressed with thoughts on how to adjust to this new lifestyle, it is natural for your libido to decrease. Challenge this added layer of wife/partner guilt and know that what you are going through is common. We feel sexy when we are our healthiest selves. One’s libido is directly correlated with how one feels in their mind and body. Be patient with yourself through this adjustment period.
Having the Sex Talk
This is the fun part! While the baby is sleeping, structure some time to sit and relax with your partner. Think relaxed romance, maybe a nice dinner, a glass of wine, or snuggled and comfy on the couch. Start from the beginning with the sex talk. Discuss the areas of your body that are off-limits and where you desire to be touched. Share with them things that currently turn you on and, of course, things that turn you off! Who knows, maybe the sex talk will be tantalizing in itself!
Your sexual pleasure is always changing, whether you have had a baby or not. If you are struggling with getting back into your rhythm or experiencing emotional or physical intimacy challenges, sex therapy can help. I love my work, and I’d love to help you live your desired sex life!
