Want to Be Happy? Don't Try

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To paraphrase that celebrated icon of popular culture, Yoda, there is no try. There is only do or don't do.

Do you try to make yourself happy by thinking happy thoughts or repeating self-affirmations? Does it seem a bit, well, forced? How about putting on a happy face? Practicing smiling may temporarily boost your mood, as exercising the muscles used in smiling may evoke pleasant memories. But happiness is not likely to be sustained unless you engage in activities that can produce a smile of its own accord. A forced smile is not a genuine smile and trying to make yourself happy is more likely to lead to frustration than to any semblance of true happiness.

A Wandering Mind Is Not a Happy Mind

What about letting your mind wander as a way of escaping the trials and tribulations of daily life? Based on a Harvard study, it turns out that a wandering mind is not a happy one. In the study, people who rated their moods when their minds wandered were less happy than those who were engaged in mentally absorbing activities (Schenkman, 2010).

One problem with letting your mind wander is that your meandering mind might dwell on negative thoughts. The upshot of the Harvard study is that we feel happier when we focus on what we are doing at the moment, not by seeking a mental escape through daydreaming. A later study modified this conclusion in some respects (Westgate et al., 2021). These researchers found that thinking about experiences that are both pleasant and meaningful can be pleasurable. So you might feel better if you let your mind wander to personally meaningful experiences, such as a pleasant memory or a planned vacation. But trying is not part of the happiness equation. Trying involves making a focused effort to change your mood by force of will rather than seeking happiness through lived experiences.

A Happy Mind Is an Engaged Mind

We are happiest when we engage in activities that are meaningful and enjoyable. At those times, our attention is focused on what we are doing, not on trying to make ourselves happier. To put this in context, recall the happiest moments of your life. What were you doing? With whom were you sharing these experiences? Were you trying to be happy or did happiness find you?

The 19th-century British philosopher John Stuart Mill recognized that happiness comes from focusing outside of the self, as he expressed here in his 1873 Autobiography: “Those only are happy (I thought) who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind, even on some art or pursuit, followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way.”

Happiness will find you when you pursue personally meaningful experiences that are ends in themselves. It comes from doing, not trying.

Let Go of Things You Can’t Directly Control, Including Happiness

Another reflection on happiness comes from the ancient Stoic sage Epictetus who lived in the first century of the Common Era. In the Discourses, Epictetus noted that happiness comes from letting go of things that are beyond our control: “There is only one road to happiness—let this rule be at hand morning, noon, and night: Stay detached from things that are not up to you."

One of the things beyond our direct control is happiness itself. We cannot make ourselves feel happy any more than we can force ourselves to sleep. Happiness, like sleep, comes from putting ourselves in a position to allow these dispositions to occur naturally. Trying has nothing to do with it, and in fact, trying too hard to be happy makes happiness more difficult to achieve, just as trying to force yourself to sleep can lead to tossing and turning through the night.

We are more likely to find happiness, or more properly, letting it find us when we focus on something on something meaningful and rewarding in its own right.

Find Happiness Within Yourself, Not From Others

Do you rely on others to make you happy? Do you expect others to know the buttons they need to push to make you happy? Or do you expect happiness to be delivered to you like a food order? Might there even be an app for that?

Many patients I’ve treated in therapy believed they were unhappy because others had disappointed them or failed to meet their needs. While developing mutually satisfying relationships is an important goal in therapy, vesting your personal happiness in other people puts the control of your well-being in their hands, not your own. As the Stoics taught, you can only control what you do or think, not what others do or think. No one is responsible for managing your emotions other than yourself. You can be happy with someone but not because of someone.

Happiness Essential Reads

Caring for the Mind: Insights from Buddhist Psychology

Why Is Happiness So Elusive?

Therapy can help you find within yourself what you need to become happy. As Aristotle taught some 2,400 years ago, “Happiness depends upon ourselves.” Jumping ahead to modern times, the renowned author Alice Walker voiced a similar sentiment: “Any happiness you get you’ve got to make yourself.”

So ask yourself: What am I doing to make happiness a by-product of my own doing?

General Disclaimer: The content here and in other blog posts on the Minute Therapist is intended for informational purposes only and not for diagnosis, evaluation, or treatment of mental health disorders. If you are concerned about your emotional well-being or experiencing any significant mental health problems, I encourage you to consult a licensed mental health professional in your area for a thorough evaluation.

© 2022 Jeffrey S. Nevid

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