Want People to Like You Without Saying a Word?

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We all have a need for approval, but how do we get people to like us? It takes time for people to come to know and appreciate our finer qualities. But we can lay the groundwork for getting others to like us by first expressing interest in them, such as by listening to what they have to say. Even a simple gesture, such as nodding your head when they are speaking, can beget liking. All it takes is a minute or so to kick liking into gear.

Nodding begets liking

In a recent study, Japanese researchers asked people to rate the likability of computer-generated figures that were depicted as either nodding, shaking their heads, or remaining motionless (Osugi & Kawahara, 2017). Absent other cues, participants rated the nodding figures as more likable than the other figures. Nodding signals “yes” in many cultures and indicating “yes” puts you on the road to being liked by the person to whom you nod.

Nodding shows that you are paying attention and expressing interest in what the other person is saying. Simply put, nodding expresses liking. To move the liking meter in our favor, we need to show through words and gestures that we understand and respect the other person. On the other hand, when we show disinterest, we should expect the same in return.

We can draw upon the reciprocity norm to explain how nodding translates to liking. This is the social psychology principle that liking begets liking or, more broadly, that how we treat others tends to be reciprocated in kind. When we show others that we like them, they tend to like us back.

Reciprocity is, well, reciprocal. When we are treated respectfully, we are likely to return that respect in how we interact with the other person. A smile begets a smile, a frown, a frown.

Nodding does not mean that you agree with everything the other person says. It merely shows you are interested enough to hear them out and are making an effort to understand their feelings and point of view. So nodding conveys interest in what others have to say, even if you may disagree with them.

However, you risk being perceived as disagreeable should you openly disagree with them, unless the other person invites you to express your own opinion. Unless you are asked to state your point of view, it is prudent to keep your opinions to yourself. Even when the other person asks your opinion, understand that they may not want to hear that you disagree with them. Don’t try to score debating points if what you have in mind is to get someone to like you.

True, some people view nodding as sycophantic. To quote Plutarch, the 1st-century Greek philosopher and historian, “I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.” Still, Plutarch aside, it is fair to say that most people appreciate an approving nod (just don’t overdo it). The occasional nod may curry approval, but a head that constantly bobs up and down just seems odd or phony.

Though we don’t yet have research evidence testing the hypothesis that nodding affects liking in actual human interactions, the reciprocity principle predicts that it would. You can try it out for yourself and see how it works for you.

It’s what you do, not just what you say, that counts (a lot)

What you do may have a more important bearing on whether you are liked than what you say. You might say nothing at all, but your expression may betray a lack of interest. Looking away from the other person or, worse, rolling your eyes or smirking registers volumes about your feelings. Say you meet someone at a social gathering, and as they begin talking, your body language betrays that you’d rather be having a root canal than standing there listening to this person for a moment longer. Picking up on your cues, expect the other person to make a quick exit, perhaps muttering something unmentionable under their breath about what they think of you.

To convey interest, lean in when someone is talking to you, but respect their social distance. Eye contact may also convey interest, but here again, don’t overdo it. Maintaining eye contact beyond a few seconds may make the other person feel uncomfortable.

It doesn’t hurt to ask questions

What you say also counts. Another likeability tip is to ask the other person questions, lots of questions. Again, this shows interest in the other person. You’ve probably noticed that people like to talk about themselves. So if you want to be liked, give them an ear, an attentive one.

In another recent study, Harvard University researchers found that people who asked more questions in mock conversations with other research participants were rated as more likable than those who asked fewer questions. Again, liking begets liking, and showing interest in what the other person says by asking questions, especially follow-up or “tell me more” types of questions, triggers the reciprocity norm. Besides, as the researchers put it, “It doesn’t hurt to ask.”

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Say you just met Julie at a party, and she begins talking about her kids. You may not have a burning desire to know how well her little Tommy is doing at school but asking follow-up questions about Tommy’s artwork or science project is likely to put you in the likable category in Julie’s mind. The Harvard researchers found that “tell me more” questions and mirroring questions (reflecting back what the other person is saying or feeling) tip the scale in favor of likeability. So do questions that change the topic of conversation, which shows that you are interested in what else the person has to say.

A social norm like reciprocity doesn’t compel people to behave in a certain way. You won’t get fined or arrested if you turn the other way when someone is speaking to you. But it does carry a good deal of social weight, tapping into the kinds of social expectations and obligations that help govern our social interactions.

So if you want someone to like you, just nod approvingly when they are speaking, and remember to ask questions—lots of questions—to show you are interested. They just might like you back.

© 2021 Jeffrey S. Nevid