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Many people say they would like to make changes in their behavior, but are held back by all the “buts” that seem to get in the way. Their thinking follows this pattern of “Yes. . . . but:"
“Yes, I’d like to start dating. . . But I’ll be rejected. “
“Yes, I’d like to look for another job. . . But it’s not the time of year to find one.
“Yes, I’d like to get in touch with an old friend. . . But I wouldn’t know what to say.”
If you are a “Yes/But” type of person, isn’t it about time you left the buts at the door?
Talk back to your “buts” by practicing a back-and-forth dialogue between your "but" self and your "rebut" self. The "but" part makes fear choices rather than growth choices, harps on past mistakes and disappointments, and anticipates the worst outcomes in every situation. The "but" part drums into your mind the following codes of behavior:
- Never take chances.
- Watch yourself at all times.
- Don't rock the boat.
- Always look for things to go wrong.
The "rebut part" counters the "buts" by saying, "There's got to be more to life than this." But the "but self" may fight back: "Forget it! You've got to be on the 7:15 train. Do what you're told. Don't take any chances."
I use the "but/rebut" technique to help patients reconcile the discrepant parts of their personality by enacting each part in a mock self-dialogue. The goal is a resolution—a compromise really— between the discrepant parts of the self. Here is an example of this type of self-dialogue:
But Self: “Well, you think you can just run off and leave your worries behind? Grow up! There's a cold, hard world out there and you've got to watch out for yourself every minute.”
Rebut Self: “That's all you think about—the things that could go wrong. Why don't you lighten up? What's the sense of living if you can't go out and have a good time?”
But Self: “Yea, right, that's all you ever want to do. If you had your way, you'd stay out all night. You'd be like all those other jerks who squander their lives. Well, don't expect me to pick up the pieces when things go wrong.”
Rebut Self: “I'm sick and tired of living in this little box. It’s stifling in here and you don't care whether or not I ever get to breathe. I don't have to be reckless to live free. I can keep things in perspective, if I give myself half a chance.”
But Self: “It's a good thing you have me to play it safe. You'd only wind up screwing things up if you took any risks. Don't be a jerk. Play it safe.”
Rebut Self: “Maybe I risk being a jerk, but there’s got to be more out of life. You never give me any credit. You just see my flaws, not my strengths. It's about time you stopped dumping on me. If I get kicked down, I'll just pick myself up again. I'll talk myself through it. I may take some licks, but at least I won't hide from life anymore.”
Talking back to your "but self" uncovers self-doubts and nagging insecurities that have been keeping you from moving forward in your life. The "but self" is a reminder of the frustrations, fears, and insecurities you've acquired along the way.
Take a minute to have an internal dialogue between your "but self" and your "rebut self." Airing internal disputes by playing both roles in a self-dialogue gives you a chance to fight back against "yes-but" type of thinking with rational counterpunches you can use in daily life whenever the “buts” creep back into your thinking.
The desired outcome is not having the "rebut self" vanquish the "but self." Both the "but" and "rebut" parts of yourself can have their say. You can find a middle ground between the two by striking a compromise, plotting a course of action that doesn’t stop you from making changes in your life by always following a “yes” with a “but.”
© 2016 Jeffrey S. Nevid
