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Key points
- Chronic indecisiveness can have far reaching effects on happiness—triggering regret, self-esteem issues, and more.
- Standard decision-making tools like pro/con lists may not work for the chronically indecisive, often because they don't address the root cause.
- Identifying the cause of indecisiveness—such as people-pleasing tendencies or a deep fear of regret—is the first step to overcoming it.
- Reminding oneself that "perfect" decisions are impossible can further remove some of the pressure and help someone accept the life they have.
"I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure," goes the famous joke by comedian Tommy Cooper.
Witty as this one-liner is, it points to the extent that indecisiveness can pervade our lives. It prevents us from committing to our lives or taking actions that are important to us. We sit on the sidelines, fearful we’ll make the wrong decision, screw up, or end up deeply regretful. Our work suffers, our relationships wither, and our happiness diminishes. It undermines our very ability to trust ourselves and our knowledge of who we are. We end up paralysed in a prison of indecision and unable to move forward in life as we choose to.
Making decisions requires us to choose and commit to a certain life pathway, while at the same time saying no to the alternative. For example, here are some decisions I’ve faced so far this week:
- Shall I have oatmeal or toast for breakfast?
- Shall I go for a run or take a nap on the couch?
- Shall I live in the U.K. or move back to New Zealand?
- Shall we try for a third child or stick with the two we have?
In each of these, you can hear the potential for one door to be opened and another one to be closed. Some of these decisions are, of course, less impactful; while some are deep and wide-reaching.
Problematic indecisiveness is a common feature of modern living, in part as a result of the increase in choices that is now available to us. However, some people glide through life, making choices with ease, committing and seemingly able to deal with the consequences. But for others, decisions are incredibly fear-inducing; there are typically 3 reasons for this:
- Perfectionism: "My decision must be the right one and there is no room for error. All the options must be carefully weighed to eliminate any possibility of the incorrect decision being made, which would prove I’m a failure or worthless."
- Fear of regret: "I’ll make the wrong decision and end up regretting it. The regret will be overwhelming and I won’t be able to handle the sadness and loss."
- Need to please: "I need to make sure everyone is happy and my decision doesn’t negatively affect anyone in my life. If someone is negatively affected, it will confirm I’m a selfish mean person."
Of course, these can occur together and make decisions even harder. Although the descriptions are important, it’s the drivers that are the most important part. These are the parts that fuel indecisiveness and often come with a lot of old history. That is why well-meaning decision-making tools (decision lists, for/against tables, streamlining) can fall flat for people who have problematic levels of indecisiveness.
How can someone combat chronic indecisiveness? Start with these steps.
- Know your "whys" for your "whats." When it comes to making a decision (a "what"), check in with your "whys": your purpose or your meaning. Consider what really matters to you in the situation in which you need to make a decision and ask yourself, “If this decision was about something really important, what would that be? And what step would I take that could lead me in that direction?” This shifts the decision from something to be avoided to something to be approached.
- Remind yourself that there is no perfect decision. Every decision you make will simultaneously open one door and close another. Each, therefore, has an opportunity for sadness and regret. If you choose to have kids or not; if you choose to stay living where you are or not; if you choose to stay in your job or move. Once you acknowledge this and realise regret is everywhere, you can be more open to the positives of the decision you actually make.
- Process, not outcome. Treat decisions as a journey to embark on, rather than a destination to reach. The journey is about you, making your decisions—decisions that are precious, important, and imperfect. They are yours to keep and look after. Allow yourself to recognise that each decision is part of your journey of being you, where you listen to your heart, and do the best you can to make your way forward.
This post is formed from excerpts from my new book, The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Self Esteem; written with Richard Bennett and published by New Harbinger.
