The Path to Your True Self: Uncover What’s Missing in Your Life

Path to authenticity.

Source: Mihály Köles/ Unsplash

The 2022 Surgeon General’s Report paints an overall picture of declining mental health in the U.S., stating that 76 percent of adults experienced a symptom of a mental illness in 2021. Stress and other workplace issues were cited as risks to our well-being.

Well-being studied through the science of applied positive psychology is comprised of elements that are summarized by the acronym PERMA-H: positive emotion, engagement, positive relationships, meaning and purpose, accomplishment, and health (Seligman, 2002).

Authenticity, or our ability to behave as our “true self,” affects all these categories; in my life, living authentically was an unseen hurdle to having a satisfying life for most of my life.

Indeed, many studies describe the connection between well-being and authenticity (such as Rivera et al, 2019). Not only are highly authentic people more likely to report feelings of happiness, self-esteem, life satisfaction, decision satisfaction, high motivation, and better social interactions, but they are also less likely to exhibit psychological dysfunction, such as anxiety.

Struggling with authenticity and feeling deeply satisfied with life was my lived reality for many decades. My ability to now feel truly peaceful and fully alive has everything to do with living as my true self in every part of life. I believe that lack of authenticity is an unseen menace to our well-being; for this reason, I’ll be devoting this new series, Path to Your True Self, to this topic. My hope is that others who are doing the courageous work of living as one’s true selves might find inspiration and useful tips from this series.

My Path to My True Self

My first inkling that I had a problem with authenticity should’ve been the best day of my life: It was the day that I got everything I ever wanted.

As the youngest daughter of two refugees from the Chinese Communist government, I was raised to work hard, prioritize school and professional education, save money, and create a stable family, while cooking fabulous, multicourse meals. I even married a Chinese American physician, much to the delight of my parents. So when the icing on my perfect cake was in place (i.e., tenure at a big research university), I figured I’d finally live happily ever after as the protagonist of my own Chinese American princess story.

The whole thing was a big, fat lie that I told myself for 36 years.

In fact, I was wrought with stress-induced pain and fatigue syndromes, a conflict-riddled marriage, a deep sense of isolation, and a moment when it felt like I finally turned into the worst version of my mother. That was the last straw.

What ensued was a 20-plus year journey where I rooted out and shed each area of my self and life, one by one, that was causing me to feel disconnected, numb, and unhappy.

In hindsight, I see that the years leading up to that fateful moment of reckoning had long stretches of dissatisfaction, discontent, and disconnection. Each time I hypothesized the cause to be that something was missing from my happiness checklist:

• Multiple professional degrees. Check.
• Dream job/tenure in a STEM discipline. Check.
• Handsome physician husband. Check.
• McMansion. Check.
• Two kids and two (or more) dogs. Check.
• Good health, a decent figure, and teeth. Check.
• Jumpstart on the retirement fund. Check.
• Feeling like I am a superwoman. Check.

When some magic alchemy failed to make the sum of the parts far happier than the whole, I had to reassess. This time, my hypothesis was that something on my list was causing unhappiness. So I started taking off or replacing things that were the most painful, stressful, and/or unsolvable.

Once I gave back tenure and scaled back my job, I could no longer avoid seeing that I was in a failing marriage. The marital challenges required that I confront my toxic self-criticism, perfection, and control issues, which were ultimately at the heart of my unhappiness and conflict. After healing and releasing (many of) my toxic self-narrative and beliefs, I was left to discover who I was and what I believed in their absence.

The result was that I started to discover myself for the first time.

• New liberal arts degree (applied positive psychology). Check.
• Trade day job for meaningful nonprofit work. Check.
• Trade marriage for being single, then a non-status husband. Check.
• Spend retirement funds on nonprofit endeavors. Check.
• Snug home. Check.
• Decent figure and teeth: well, it’s relative. Check.
• Being me in all my imperfect glory. Check.

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Gradually I discovered that it wasn’t the things in my life that were causing distress, but rather it was the choices I was making based on what I thought I should do, rather than following my heart.

In other words, my mental construct of who Susanna should be (my ego) was calling the shots. This had nothing to do with who I really am.

Following my heart instead of my inner narrative of “must,” “should,” “can’t,” and “have to” has changed everything. Stress is virtually gone from my life, and my sense of hope, optimism, and excitement about my work and life are priceless, especially as it pertains to bringing forth the solutions that the modern era is demanding.

My sense of feeling fully alive is higher than it’s ever been, and I know this journey can be valuable to so many others too.

What is the status of your journey to your true self? Let’s journey together on this worthwhile and meaningful adventure to become the ones that our modern world—and future generations—need the most: our true selves.

This is Part 1 of a series.