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How do you respond to a Black client who is sharing their pain from a racial incident?
Please note: Across racial differences, therapeutic modalities sometimes do not work. This is with any strategy we try to incorporate into our psychotherapy, however, there is this little factor of race involved, in this case.
Alan Siskand, a white PhD and LCSW says, “Sometimes giving space is necessary---sometimes listening and sometimes apologizing for our participation in what causes hurt to our BIPOC friends and colleagues and sometimes just being honest and acknowledging we don’t know what to do.”
Sometimes, therapists want to use cognitive framing or thought challenging, or '"look at the bright side" but when it comes to racial incidents, we have to feel the feeling before moving onto another way of looking at it. Sometimes, there is no bright side. Four hundred years of cumulative trauma cannot be reframed. It should not be reframed. At this moment, many BIPOCs are not looking for the silver lining. And our ancestors have already taught us that as there is tremendous resilience in us. We know that. In the moment, we do not want to change the narrative.
The Validation technique means less when coming from a white person. You can validate my reaction all you want. But what does that really mean if you are unable to access the feeling of the issue? If you don’t walk around worrying about the literal color of your skin causing angst when walking into a store or elevator, what are you really validating?
The Self-Disclosure modality of "I experienced something similar" just causes us to stare at you in dismay. Bringing up differently abled bodies or Queer experiences may be similar, but ultimately, not the same.
The Recognition of the inability to understand and feel it, “I can’t imagine.” or “I can only imagine what this feels like for you” is further isolating. I already know that you can’t relate! Thanks!
Good ol’ advice: How you would deal with it or a lesson you once learned in a biased situation, again, is not useful.
My white mother does a great job of just listening. Not trying to defend anything or anyone, or console me, but just listening in silence and sitting with my pain. And for a mom or friend, this is an amazing technique. For a therapist, it is an option. But sometimes, it’s not going to work, either. It may just cause a therapist to seem disconnected and distant.
Now, those are the well-intentioned, racially conscious responses.
The well-intentioned and macro-aggressive (not micro-aggressive) responses are:
“You know my life is hard, too.”
“My son gets pulled over all the time for being Jewish.”
“It’s awful, but the rioting and violence don’t help. I just wish they would stop.”
And so on.
“Thus, the pain of the experience is heightened by the isolation of not being able to share the experiences with White people, including friends and colleagues, for fear that they will dismiss, rationalize, or minimize the experience” (Pender Greene & Blitz, 2011).
When was a time that you consoled someone about a racial incident and how do you wish you responded differently?
“A white therapist who is attuned to the client would mentally note the invisibility of the incident and consider “because of the context of cultural and systemic racism, [the client] experienced this as a racist act” (Pender Greene & Blitz, 2011).
