Solving Relationship Issues With the Two-Brain Paradigm

Your brain is not one integrated system. Conscious thoughts, the words that go through your head, occur primarily in your cortex, which is the outer six layers of brain cells. It also processes the conscious aspects of your emotions (the reasons you give for why you are feeling a certain way). But your brain also contains an emotional core, called the limbic system (also referred to as the “emotional brain”). You don’t have direct conscious access to your limbic system, but it stores basic emotional memories from earlier in your life, and it is responsible for much of your emotional experience. Relative to your conscious-thinking cortex, your limbic system may have very different ideas about how you should experience the social world.

How many times have you thought a romantic partner was a bad choice, but you kept going out with them anyway? Or what about the time you were with someone you really liked but you got so nervous that you froze, shut down, and got awkward? And most of us have had the experience of knowing we should not say or do something... but then barrel forward as if lacking brakes and say or do the thing anyway. Depending on what your attachment style is, the conflict between your two brain systems can have disastrous relationship consequences.

Attachment Style

Your attachment style has a lot to do with the strength of the connection between the two systems and how much you can trust the output of your limbic system and the conclusions (the story you tell yourself) that your conscious brain derives from it.

For a primer on attachment styles, the reader can click here. Suffice it to say that if you have a secure attachment style, the connections between your cortex and limbic system are sound and your limbic system’s threat detector, the amygdala, is well-calibrated. If you have an avoidant attachment style, your amygdala may be underactive and the outgoing connections from your limbic system to your cortex too narrow; they may not transmit emotional messages very well. If you have a preoccupied attachment style, your amygdala might be too sensitive (overcalibrated) and the connections from your limbic system to your cortex too strong. And, if you have a fearful attachment style, your connections might misfire: Sometimes they will send too strong a message across the outgoing wires, only to trigger a circuit breaker which leads the emotional systems to shut down (this corresponds with being anxiously hypervigilant to social cues vs. shutting down and being avoidant).

Irrespective of your attachment style, know that your emotional brain cannot discriminate between reality and fantasy. It does a basic analysis of incoming data but cannot tell whether this data came from the outside world or from your own fantasies or scary thoughts. For example, if you worry about being rejected or let down in your love relationship, your limbic system will receive incoming data saying that you are actually being rejected and let down… and it will respond accordingly. And, of course, if you are fantasizing sexually, your limbic system thinks that is really happening, too. It doesn’t know that you imagined the events.

In the scary-thought scenario when you have a preoccupied or fearful attachment style, your limbic system will trigger the release of neurotransmitters and hormones like norepinephrine and cortisol that you will experience as anxiety and stress. Your conscious brain will then receive the chemical data coursing through your bloodstream and conclude that there must be a real threat out there in the world. Why else would you be feeling so uneasy and anxious? And then your cortex will start looking for evidence to explain what you are feeling. You might start looking for subtle cues on other people’s faces and in their voices, or minor nuances in their text messages and how long it takes them to text back.

And think about how your two brains might disagree. If you are avoidant, you consciously think that a romantic partner is attractive, wonderful, and a good partner. But your early life memories, stored subconsciously in your amygdala, might be triggered by these positive thoughts in a negative way. Your amygdala might remember that the people who were supposed to care for you emotionally didn’t really care that much and left you on your own. So, it might perceive the love thoughts as dangerous and trigger a stress reaction independent of your rational cortex. So, there you are with the person who you were falling in love with, now feeling uncomfortable, agitated, and wanting to flee. Your conscious brain will go looking for data to justify the feeling. It will find fault and things that bug you in the other person… so you will be justified in backing away from the relationship… even though you previously thought this was the one you wanted!

If you have an anxious/preoccupied attachment style, the poles might be reversed. Your conscious brain might think the other person is a bad idea… but your emotional brain might be very attracted to and wanting of this person. In this case, the data coming into your limbic system from your cortex is that the social environment is ambiguous and unpredictable (the person is beautiful but scary; charming yet distant). Because your limbic system and amygdala were calibrated in parental environments like this in childhood, it views trying to get closer and connecting more as the best option. So, it sends your cortex messages of attraction and anxiety. Your conscious brain then concludes that you can lower this anxiety by pursuing or sticking with this wrong person.

So, What to Do?

1. Keep in mind that the physical part of your emotions (attraction, excitement, anxiety, annoyance) is just data that you should use as a potential piece of information to consider. It is not a truth that you should act on.
2. Learn your attachment style so that you will have a clearer roadmap for how the two parts of your brain work together.
3. When you experience an emotional activation (outgoing message from your limbic system), give yourself a timeout so that you can think and consciously (as opposed to emotionally) decide how you want to respond.
4. When a relationship partner has an issue that they are expressing to you, try to surmise whether they are speaking from their conscious brain or their limbic system. If they are speaking from their limbic system, rational arguments that challenge the person’s conscious thoughts might not work. Try seeing what their emotional system needs (e.g., to feel safe and cared for) and respond to that instead.
5. Learn to feed your limbic system data on purpose. You wouldn’t open your personal computer network to anyone on the web and let just any data haphazardly come into your system, would you? Decide consciously which (positive or negative) fantasies to indulge, and don’t let your conscious brain wander into fictitious storytelling (ideas about relationships that you don’t have real data for).