The 10 Commandments of Feedback: Commandments 3-5

This post is the second in a series.

The 10 Commandments of Feedback

Source: Eli Gottlieb

The giving and receiving of feedback is a key interpersonal skill that applies way beyond the workplace. It's also essential for healthy relationships between couples, between parents and children, and between friends and neighbors. I recently distilled my experiences coaching executives to give better feedback into "The Ten Commandments of Feedback."

In this post, we'll focus on Commandments 3, 4, and 5.

Commandment 3: Ask a question

When someone underperforms or steps out of line, you can’t assume they did so deliberately. They might not even be aware of their behavior or its impact. So, before launching into any kind of critique, it’s important to reach a shared understanding of what happened and why. The best way to discover what they intended is to ask them. And the best way to inform them of their action's impact is to tell them. So start with a question:

“How did you feel that presentation went? Do you think you got your main points across?”

“Sandra seemed a little upset by your question in this morning’s meeting. Did you notice that, too? Why do you think that might be?”

“Did you notice Derek trying to get your attention when you arrived this morning? You know, Derek—from IT.”

Let the receiver tell you their side of the story so that you can direct your feedback to the relevant misunderstanding, lack of sensitivity, or misdirected action.

Commandment 4: Be specific

When it comes to feedback: Never generalize. (See what I did there?) Accusations that begin with phrases such as, “You always …” or “You never …” barely qualify as feedback at all. They’re more like character assassinations. Instead of directing the receiver’s attention to a specific incident or behavior, they suggest to the receiver that their personality is flawed.

The most helpful feedback is the kind that enables the receiver to view a past situation in a new light and to act differently when similar situations arise in the future. The more the receiver feels accepted and appreciated by the giver, the readier they are to lower their defenses, take on the advice, and try harder. So give them the motivation and tools to succeed: Be specific.

This applies not just to criticism but also to praise. There is nothing quite so demotivating as generic praise or praise that focuses on something irrelevant to your role or performance. Statements such as, “You’re amazing!”; “Awesome job!”; and “They loved you!” tell you only that the feedback-giver wants you to feel good. If they give similar feedback in very different situations, you eventually begin to suspect they’re not really paying attention. It’s a short road from there to wondering whether all the effort you’re putting into giving your best is even worthwhile.

So, instead of “Great presentation!” try “The way you framed the issues in your initial slide and summarized all your proposals at the end really drove home your key points. Did you notice how often Bill and Uma referred later to your action items? Great job!”

Commandment 5: Observations, not impressions

A closely related type of unhelpful feedback is feedback that is second-hand or based on impressions. Statements such as, “You looked awkward” or “You were boring” are impressions too vague to be helpful. Statements that are based on others’ impressions are even less helpful. When told, “I heard the meeting went poorly,” or “People are saying you’re not interested in the project,” your first instinct is to wonder who the critics are and what they have against you. You’re primed to be defensive and to attribute criticisms to animus or jealousy rather than to mistakes of your own. Like the nonspecific feedback discussed in the fourth commandment, feedback based on impressions can project laziness or lack of interest on the part of the feedback-giver.

So, get into the habit, before giving feedback, of preparing specific examples and first-hand observations that you can use to illustrate the behavior you’re discussing. And to distinguish the facts from your impressions of them, try to formulate your feedback in ways that emphasize the difference between what you observed and how it affected you. For example, instead of transgressing commandments four and five with statements such as, “You never come prepared,” try to be more precise, as in, “When you took seven minutes of the 30-minute meeting you’d called to search your laptop for the report you’d asked us all to read in advance, I felt like you weren’t taking our time seriously.”

Leadership Essential Reads

Political Leaders and Cults: Why Do They Drink the Kool Aid?

Self-Oriented Versus Other-Oriented Leadership

Stay tuned for Part 3, and Commandments 6, 7, and 8!